Sex therapists, educators and researchers tend to see some of the same issues over and over again. Here are some of the most common problems, and potential solutions, that a group of experts in sex and intimacy wish everyone better understood. – Photo: Monica Garwood/The New York Times
Couples worried about “mismatched” libidos. People struggling to experience sexual pleasure. Lovers wondering if they are having a “normal” amount of sex.
Sex therapists, educators and researchers tend to see these issues over and over again.
So The New York Times reached out to several of them to ask: What do you wish more people knew about sex and intimacy?
Here is what the experts had to say.
Dr Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia and the author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness, spends a lot of time trying to persuade people to discard the concept of a “normal” sex life when it comes to how and how often they get intimate.
The frequency with which couples have sex is not a meaningful measure of sexual health, she said, even though it is something “people get really hung up on”. It does not tell you anything about whether individuals are actually enjoying time with their partners, and the sex they are having, she added.
“I have worked with couples who are having sex every night and are miserable together,” echoed Ms Casey Tanner, a sex therapist based in New York City and author of Feel It All. Conversely, she has worked with couples who feel deeply connected and have sex maybe three times a year.
Let go of the numbers game, she urged, and instead focus on how each sexual experience feels.
People have a tendency to think of sex as an action, said Ms Esther Perel, a couples therapist and author who is launching a new online course about desire. But she reframes it for her clients and audiences. “Sex isn’t something that you do,” she tells them. “Sex is a place where you go.”
She often asks questions such as: “What do you want to experience there? Is this an experience, for you, of transcendence? Of spiritual union? Of deep connection?” Or “is it an experience where you can be mischievous and for once not a good citizen?”
Acknowledging that experiencing sexual pleasure at the same time is not the only destination can help couples become unstuck, says Ms Perel.
Dr Candice Nicole Hargons, an associate professor at Emory University and author of the forthcoming book Good Sex, encourages her clients to think about the idea of a “sexual menu”.
“Most of us get this really unseasoned sexual menu kind of handed to us when we’re kids,” she said.
The types of sex on people’s menu may be influenced by media, sex education classes and what they pick up socially. But she encourages her sex therapy clients to create a more flavourful, personalised menu – to decide for themselves what works, what does not and what they are comfortable with.
Sexual desire, as it is portrayed in TV, movies and pornography, is invariably spontaneous – a sudden, overwhelming urge to have sex.
But there is another equally valid type of desire, known as responsive desire. It emerges in response to deliberate pleasure or erotic stimuli, said Dr Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist and sex therapist based in Minnesota and an author of Desire.
People who tend to experience responsive desire should feel reassured that “there is nothing wrong with them”, she said. “They’re not broken.”
They might simply need to put in a bit more work to understand what kind of erotic stimulation helps them feel open to the possibility of intimacy, such as touch, for instance.
There are many cliches about male sexuality – among them, that all men think about sex constantly, and that “all it takes is a strong breeze for a guy to get an erection”, said sex therapist Ian Kerner, who is based in New York City and author of She Comes First.
“What gets lost is the bigger truth that male sexuality is as complex and variable as female sexuality,” he added.
Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 issue he sees in his practice, and men are just as likely to be the low-desire partner as women, he said. Often, his male clients feel a lot of shame and embarrassment that they are not initiating sex the way they are “supposed to”.
“Men are not light switches when it comes to sex,” he said. “They don’t just turn on and off.”
Putting sex on the calendar is well-worn sex therapy advice, but Ms Tanner believes it can backfire. “The pressure of having to keep a sexual appointment can actually decrease sexual desire,” she said. “Rather than putting sex on your calendar, schedule an activity that opens the door for intimacy.”
What that means will vary from couple to couple, said Ms Jessa Zimmerman, a sex therapist in private practice in Seattle, who offers the same advice to her clients. Perhaps it is a date night. Perhaps you get into bed a bit earlier than usual and see what happens.
Dr Sara Nasserzadeh, a social psychologist and author of Love By Design, who works with clients around the world, said she sees a tendency among some of her North American clients to feel as if they must talk about sex ad nauseam.
“It’s ridiculous to me, because sex is something that involves the bodies,” she said. “It involves the somatic.”
That does not mean her motto is “just do it”, but sometimes you have to let your bodies connect and “talk” for you, she added. – ©2024 The New York Times Company
