Instead of talking about their grief after the loss of their partner, men often just want to carry on functioning. — Photo: dpa
Let it be said at the outset that there's no "usual" way to grieve over the death of a loved one. There's no "right" way or "wrong" way, much less a stereotypical, generally accepted way – for whomever.
"The effects of grief vary greatly and aren't gender-specific," says grief counsellor and author Thomas Achenbach. Nevertheless, he's found that the sexes often differ in how they deal with grief and has even written a book on the subject – its German title translates as "Men Grieve Differently."
"Many men go into a kind of shock that in their case can be massive. It really paralyses them," Achenbach says, adding that it's also harder to reach out to them than women – not only because they hardly ever join a support group, but also because it's difficult for them to open up in conversations at first.
What they struggle with most, he says, is the feeling of powerlessness that always follows the loss of a loved one: "the feeling as if they're being pressed to the ground, helpless and unable to do anything about it."
And unlike women, many men also develop physical symptoms of grief, according to psychotherapist, grief counsellor and author Roland Kachler, based in Germany.
"When men come in for grief counselling, it's usually with somatic symptoms," he says. "They often have back and shoulder pain after a severe loss."
There's a defensive response by their muscles because "we men are geared towards mastering and functioning," he says, explaining that men often experience grief as an attack that must be repulsed, as a defeat.
When women come in for grief counselling after the death of their partner, for example, they're prepared to grapple with it, Kachler says.
"They want to know how to navigate their sorrow and pain."
They're also much better able to fully yield to their feelings, he adds, perhaps "because they're equipped with a fundamental experience, namely childbirth, which teaches them that even the most intense pain passes and brings forth something new."
Resist and be in control
Men, on the other hand, are inclined to resist and want to stay in control, Kachler has observed. "It's hard for them to yield – it poses a threat to their ability to function."
The conversations in mixed-gender support groups are too intense for them, and they end their participation after just a few sessions, he says, "because men are much more strongly focused on continuing to function."
They especially resist intense grief in cases when a child of theirs dies, since they feel responsible for keeping the family going.
None of this means that men don't grieve, of course. But their grief often isn't very visible. "Men grieve in secret," is how Achenbach puts it. He says they don't talk much about their feelings and tend to deal with sorrow and despair rationally.
"They want to gather knowledge," he remarks, and says they also often experience self-doubt and wonder if they're "out of their mind."
While men don't enter a "stage of experience" when they grieve, according to Kachler, he says this shouldn't be negatively prejudged. "We've got to invite men to process their grief differently though," namely via a physical option.
"If you invite men to a self-help discussion group, hardly any will show up," he says. "But they'll take part in a weekend hike or bicycle tour for the grieving."
Achenbach, too, has seen in his work as a grief counsellor that men's feelings can be drawn out during a walk or hike with other bereaved men, as it helps them to open up and let themselves go, so to speak.
"The right setting is important," he says. "For many of them, sitting in a room across from other people is unaccustomed or even felt to be threatening."
Designing a gravestone or a website together for a deceased loved one can help as well, points out Kachler. "The aim is to start talking by doing – and then perhaps to start crying and feeling."
"The pathways to men's inner emotions are different from those of women," says Achenbach. "It's important to let men go their own way."
And the two grief counsellors agree that men who need help to go their way would do best to see a male grief counsellor or therapist. – dpa
