Being in a toxic relationship can cause profound emotional and psychological damage, often leading to anxiety, depression and chronic stress. Photo: Freepik
Relationships are meant to bring out the best in us: they should fulfil, nurture and help us improve and grow together.
Unfortunately, some relationships can be toxic and people often endure red flags, hoping things will improve or their partner will change; all at the expense of their own well-being, happiness and self-worth.
Tara, 25, faced all that and more. When the Covid-19 pandemic struck five years ago, Tara, who is using a pseudonym, started a relationship with a man and at that point, both were seeking comfort and connection.
“The lockdown made us spend a lot of time together and things escalated quickly. During that time, it felt like we were helping each other through a difficult period,” she explains.
However, as life returned to normal, Tara began noticing troubling behaviours.
“He’d dismiss things important to me or make sarcastic remarks about my opinions. It wasn’t just the big things – all the little things added up and they made me feel invisible.”
“He would make me feel like my feelings weren’t valid or that I was overreacting. When I tried to bring up something that bothered me, he twisted the situation until I ended up apologising,” she says. “It was confusing, and I started to doubt myself.”
The gaslighting took a toll on their three-year relationship as well as Tara’s well-being. “I started questioning my judgement and felt like I was never good enough. Emotionally, I felt drained and anxious. I went from loving socialising to feeling hesitant and withdrawn,” she says.
“Physically, I couldn’t sleep and would sometimes lose my appetite from stress. At work, I would sit and replay conversations and incidents in my head, wondering what could’ve been said or done differently.”
Despite the negative impact, Tara found it difficult to leave. “I loved him deeply, and it’s not that simple. I tried talking to him about my feelings, but he’d deny there were problems or made me feel guilty for bringing it up.”
In order for a relationship to work, both the partners must be fully invested in personal growth and mutual respect, says Dr Cheah. Photo: Dr Desmond CheahJust as the song Toxic Till The End (by Blackpink’s Rose) captures the struggles of troubled relationships – touching on jealousy and manipulation – toxic relationships are marked by harmful patterns that erode a person’s well-being, says mental health consultant Dr Desmond Cheah.
“These include manipulation, control, jealousy, constant criticism and neglect. Left unchecked, they can lead to severe mental health issues such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The emotional imbalance in these relationships often leaves one partner devalued and emotionally drained.”
Cheah, who has conducted seminars on challenges faced by young adults in toxic relationships for Mind Integration and Mental Intervention Convention Global (Mimic), highlights several red flags: constant criticism (put-downs that damage self-esteem); emotional manipulation (guilt-tripping/emotional blackmail); control and possessiveness (monitoring personal activities or social interactions); gaslighting (making someone doubt their reality); jealousy (disguised as care); boundary violations (ignoring personal limits or pushing for unwelcome disclosures); isolation (cutting them off from support system) and cultural pressures (justifying toxic behaviour due to societal or family expectations).
“These dynamics can lead to denial, as individuals rationalise harmful behaviours as normal or as acts of love,” he cautions.
Tara’s relationship didn’t get better and she realised she had to do something to improve her well-being. She began focusing on herself, learning to set boundaries and sought help.
“I started reading about gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour, which made me realise it wasn’t all in my head. Reaching out to a therapist was a big step for me and it’s been life-changing.”
Therapy has helped Tara rebuild her confidence. “My therapist taught me how to set boundaries and reminded me of my worth.”
She has also been leaning on close friends. “Confiding in trusted friends has been a great support. They reminded me of the person I used to be before this relationship.”
Although she asked her boyfriend to join her in couples therapy, he dismissed it, saying she was overthinking and there were no issues between them.
Cultural expectations, Tara says, added to her struggles. As someone of Thai-Chinese parentage, she felt pressured to make the relationship work. “There’s this idea that staying in a relationship – no matter how toxic it is – is a sign of strength and commitment.”
“But I’ve learned that you don’t have to sacrifice yourself for a relationship. Your happiness and mental health matter.”
While Tara is still healing, she acknowledges her progress. “Beyond therapy, I have started journalling and reconnecting with activities I like, including cooking Thai food and spending time with my family. These small steps have helped me rediscover myself and given me hope again.”
A relationship can become toxic when two people refuse to communicate, listen to each other and discuss matters rationally. Photo: Freepik
Deciding whether to stay in a toxic relationship depends on the relationship’s dynamics, behaviours involved and both partners’ willingness to change, says Cheah.
“Salvaging a toxic relationship requires deep introspection, effort and often professional intervention, such as therapy. Counselling helps address unhealthy patterns, improve communication and heal emotional wounds.
“Both partners must be fully invested in personal growth and mutual respect,” he advises.
“In cases of physical abuse, severe emotional manipulation or threats, staying is never advisable. Such behaviours can cause long-term psychological harm, including anxiety and depression. As such, prioritising safety and leaving is essential,” he emphasises.
“Ask yourself: is this relationship causing more harm than good? If it drains your emotional resources, undermines your confidence or leaves you feeling unsupported, it might be time to walk away. Therapy can provide clarity and guidance, whether to heal or move on,” says Cheah.
Looking back, Tara wishes she had trusted her instincts earlier. “There were red flags early on, like how he’d get defensive or dismissive when I talked about my feelings. But I ignored this and kept making excuses for his behaviour.”
She also regrets staying silent to avoid conflict. “I thought keeping the peace would help, but it only made things worse. If I could go back, I’d remind myself that my feelings matter too.”
To others in a similar situation, Tara says: “Don’t let the stress of a toxic relationship affect other areas of your life, like work. Work can be a space where you feel capable and in control, and holding on to that is empowering.
“Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Whether it’s getting your nails done, meeting a friend for coffee or simply resting, invest in things that make you feel good because everyone deserves happiness and respect,” she concludes.
