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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I am in my late 50s and in the midst of divorce proceedings which have been ongoing for over two years.
Initially it began with quarrelling and led to separation – I wanted to settle things amicably by offering 50% of my money and assets to my ex but she was not satisfied and proceeded to take it to the High Court.
This has caused me mental and emotional distress. I have to give up my work to focus on this court matter as my ex is continuously harassing me for more money and assets, claiming that I'm hiding things from her and not declaring it to the court.
My friends saw that I was very down and asked me what happened, so I told them the whole story. After serious thought, my friends insisted that I do the DNA paternity test on my two children as they do not resemble me. It took me a while before I went ahead.
The result was shocking and caused me to have a breakdown. It turned out that both children's DNA does not match mine. I tried to recall what had happened and how I had married her.
Over 20 years ago, when my ex told me she was three months' pregnant and asked me to marry her. Without hesitation, we proceeded with the marriage registration in October 2001.
Our baby girl was born in 2002.
Sometime in 2004, she went for a trip with her friends to Medan. When she returned home, I asked her about her trip. She was happy, and said she did some shopping. By the slip of her tongue, she said the group she went with was all men. I knew she liked to flirt with guys, so I did not question her further.
A month or two after that trip, she told me she was pregnant again. I felt something was not right as we were seldom intimate then, as she always said she did not want any more children after our first baby.
I thought, why is she pregnant? So I questioned her. And she said she planned to get our first child a sibling for a companion. Then she delivered our baby boy in 2005.
We had good times and family bonding and a few overseas trips together. Sometimes I paid for them to travel to Europe and India even when I couldn't join them.
In October 2015, the whole family migrated to Melbourne where I bought land and built a house. I had to set up a business to fulfill my migration requirement.
I had a family discussion with my ex and the children. They all did not want to leave Australia. I came back to Malaysia alone while my ex and the children continued to live and study there.
Since my Temporary Visa had expired, my ex applied for a different visa sponsored by her mother who has Australian PR. Somehow their applications got rejected and they had to return to Malaysia in January 2020 as well. Both my ex and the children were very unhappy and put the blame on me.
They did not want to talk to me and only said they were better off in Australia. Then all hell broke loose, with my ex accusing me of committing adultery. In a fit of anger, I told her if we cannot live together, it is better to divorce.
The exchange of legal letters did not go well and she wanted to demand all my property, assets and monies. As for the last of my savings, some RM200K, she cleaned up the whole account, leaving me with nothing to pay for all the expenses such as house mortgages and car loan. I had to take loans from friends and relatives to pay for those.
Now, since the DNA test proved that both children are not mine, my heart sank. What did I do wrong to deserve this?
Now I've requested my solicitor to file a Petition for Paternity fraud. Since then, she has gone missing from our house (we stay together but sleep in separate rooms).
My ex's two boyfriends need to take responsibility as I am exhausted and financially drained after these years of court battles involving almost RM300,000. Both my children are living and studying in Melbourne and I'm covering all their expenses.
Should I continue to provide child support? My daughter is 21 while my son is 18. Should I demand all my money and assets back from my ex?
Lost & Depressed
This is a mess and there are no easy answers. Your lawyer will advise you on the legal steps you can take, and I’ll stick to my job: Mental health.
As this is longstanding and complex, I think you’d do well to talk to a mental health professional, someone who specialises in abuse. I say this because you are exiting a 20-year abusive relationship.
In your sessions, start by getting your feelings out and then ask yourself the tough questions. For your second child, you felt something wasn’t right. Why did you not speak up? What were you worried about? At this point, your physical relationship was already in trouble. What exactly was going on there?
I am concerned that you were an ATM rather than a partner. Discovering how that happened, and why you ignored all those red flags, will give you some clarity.
Discuss what you want to give to your ex and what you do not. Your lawyer will give you options; discuss the emotions with the therapist.
Tip: It’s healthy to be angry at being cheated, but don’t get caught up in endless legal tussles out of spite. As the proverb warns, there’s no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face. Use the sessions to vent and be practical about the options your legal team give you.
Next, the children.
You loved them as babies, cared for them, nurtured them – they are family. The fact that there is no DNA connection doesn’t matter. It’s emotion that counts here.
However, when your business was in trouble, your family were not there for you. You came back to Malaysia alone. When they finally joined you, they were angry.
As your children were still teens, we can’t treat them like adults. Teens are big kids. However, I think your relationship with them is complicated by your hurt.
I think you told them about their mum’s lies and their genetic inheritance because a bit of you was hurt and wanted to hurt back.
My dear, I get it. But it was not your finest hour.
Those young adults are vulnerable. To be told that their parentage is a half lie is shocking and frightening. They will be questioning their identity.
Also, they didn’t lie to you; your wife did. They are victims, just as you are. I do hope they have someone to talk to, poor souls.
So, in your therapy sessions, figure out what happens next. There are no universal answers, but I think you need to talk to them individually and without their mother.
Hopefully, you can get to know each other properly, not as children and parent but as whole people, as adults. It won’t be easy because of the years of hurt, isolation and lies, but it can be done.
So those are the next steps I recommend. They should provide some insight and help you make choices as you move forward.
Finally, you’ve had a rough time in your personal and business life, but you’re only in your 50s. You have decades to go. So please use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself and to make little changes that make you happier. Get past this as gracefully as you can, and then reach out for joy.
Know I’m thinking of you all.
