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Dear Thelma,
I am turning 31 this year and have been happily married for five years.
My husband and I decided to delay having children for a few years post-marriage as we married young and were establishing ourselves.
We are now stable in life and would like to start a family. I have prepared myself well for pregnancy by embracing a healthy lifestyle and have been trying to conceive for the past one year. I have had appointments with my gynaecologist and was told that all is well. Sadly, I have yet to conceive and it is making me very upset.
The issue is that my husband does not want to meet a male fertility doctor despite me begging him to do so. He is generally healthy and does not have issues in the bedroom but we are still not conceiving after a year of trying.
My husband’s excuse is that if we are fated to have children, we will have them.
I just want him to meet a male fertility doctor to rule out any underlying fertility issues that we are not aware of. I have been given a clean bill of health and want him to get a clean bill too. If there are any issues, we can always go for fertility treatment and it will not cause my love for my husband to wane.
I am having a hard time convincing my husband and explaining to him this whole issue. I have explained to him that it is nothing to be ashamed of and many couples do consult fertility specialists but he just won’t budge. He does not lack libido nor has any performance issues. He is also good with children.
I am just baffled as to why a man who claims to want to have children is lacking the initiative and not wanting to ensure that all is well. I am afraid it will eventually affect our otherwise happy marriage.
I love my husband dearly and envision spending my lifetime with him but this conundrum is starting to take a toll on my emotional and mental health.
I have spoken at length with my husband about his readiness for children, stress, financial standing and other factors. I even asked him if he has fallen out of love with me and no longer finds me attractive but he has said that he still loves me, finds me attractive and wants to start a family with me.
I have been in tears but he coaxes me and just keeps saying it will happen if it's fated and won’t go for a checkup. I can’t even consult our family members or friends to talk to him about this as it is very personal and may hurt his feelings.
We do get the typical question from family members on "when are you both going to have a baby?" Our usual reply these days is "coming soon". I sometimes want to blurt out to family members who ask that question to get my husband to go to a doctor but I know that it is inappropriate and do not want to air our dirty laundry in public.
I do not know how to convince him anymore. All I can do at this point is to pray that we conceive each time we are together. I am looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that you can help solve my conundrum.
Hopeful Wife
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. Fertility issues are common but we tend not to talk about it a lot because it is such an emotional subject. So let’s unpack this and see what we have.
You were concerned about your fertility, so you went for a checkup. That suggests a very practical approach.
After all, this is a health discussion. Bodies are complicated, and it is always sensible to talk to a professional when you have a question.
Sadly, your husband is not practical. To put it bluntly, he prefers to have you stressed out rather than visit a doctor.
You two have a good relationship and this is out of character. From the way you approached this, I think you nailed the source of his concern: fear and misplaced shame.
In the past, there was such pressure on producing kids, that in places where divorce was not allowed, infertility was the exception. It came with a superstition that infertility was a punishment or a sign that a marriage was unlucky.
These nasty ideas still linger. Put it together with doubt about the future and your health, and you have a fog of fear, uncertainty and helplessness.
As women are usually more skilled in understanding and sharing emotions, we tend to talk easier about painful issues. Sadly, many men are less skilled. Therefore, they shut down.
I suspect your husband’s fear has shut his ears to your words and your situation.
Speaking practically, his idea that you just coast isn’t sensible because of your increased stress. Also, if there is something wrong, you want to be proactive and seek solutions.
First, there may be absolutely nothing wrong. Many couples take more than a year to get pregnant. However, male fertility issues are a common problem.
According to studies, male fertility is declining worldwide. In 2023, 60% of sperm analysis tests conducted by the National Population and Family Development Board (LPPKN) exhibited abnormal results suggesting that it is also an issue for Malaysian men.
I have a practical suggestion first: talk to your doctor or pharmacist about a sperm testing kit you can use at home. Such kits don’t replace doctors but they are a solid first step. Quality products claim to be 97% accurate about checking sperm concentration and motility. Also, they work in minutes.
Hopefully, this small discreet step will provide an opportunity for him to open up privately to you.
But getting the kit is just the start. I think you need to consider the near future.
Supposing he won’t use the home kit or that he uses the kit but it shows no issue. How long are you willing to wait before asking him again to go to a proper clinic? Second, suppose he uses the kit and there is an issue. What happens next?
It has been reported that many male fertility issues can be treated. You are willing to go for fertility treatment but what are your husband’s views? If he does have an issue, would he see a doctor? And later, would he accept treatment if available?
Then there is the bigger picture. For couples struggling to conceive, fertility is not always the central issue. Many happy couples would rather stay together and not have kids than split up. After all, there’s adoption, fostering and the joy of a wider family.
However, how we tackle challenges can become a wider discussion on partnership. Your husband’s wilful blindness to your stress upsets and stresses you. If not addressed, this may impact how you feel about him and your marriage.
Therefore, think through the near future. You mention your family and would prefer not to pull them in. I can see this point of view. Sex and procreation are so very private, that sharing can be tricky.
Still, in the spirit of support, if there is someone very discreet that you can share with, consider reaching out for yourself.
If you would rather not, a session with a counsellor can help. Go by yourself and talk through all the possibilities. Hopefully, this will give you clarity on your options.
Then, kit in hand, go and talk to your husband again. Maybe showing him this letter may help too.
Hopefully, a rethink of your situation and the opportunity for a private first peek with a home kit will help your husband reassess the situation so you can both move forward. I do hope this helps.
