Asexuality has many forms: some just want to cuddle and kiss while others feel most comfortable when they completely abstain from physical intimacy. — dpa
Asexuality has many forms.
Some just want to cuddle and kiss.
Others feel most comfortable when they completely abstain from physical intimacy.
Health experts want people to understand it's not something that needs healing.
Evelyne Aschwanden waited years for it to finally happen to her: falling in love and feeling the urge to have sex. She looked deep into herself, listened intently to her inner voice, tried to detect that fluttery-stomach sensation she'd heard so much about.
But there was nothing.
She wondered if something was wrong with her.
She saw her schoolmates getting head-over-heels crushes, and while she thought they were over the top, she wanted one, too.
And then there was this boy...
"We were 15," Aschwanden recalls. "He was in love with me."
Her girlfriends urged her on, and the two became a pair.
"I thought he was great," she says. "But the feeling didn't come from deep inside."
She quickly realised that she couldn't give the boy what he wanted.
They broke up, and she felt liberated.
Aschwanden is now 26. She's had a few dates, but no relationship.
She's never had sex and says she doesn't miss it.
"My disinclination towards sex and romance is deeply anchored in me. It's a part of me."
Aschwanden is asexual and aromantic.
She's open about it on her Instagram account and gets posts with comments like, "You've just got to meet the right person," "It's a disorder – get treatment," "You're simply frustrated and can't find a partner."
"None of that's true," she says.
Misconceptions about asexuality
A universally applicable definition is hard to come by, says Irina Brüning, executive board member of AktivistA, a German association whose stated purpose is to raise the visibility of the asexual spectrum.
Asexuality, she says, could be seen as a sexual orientation towards nothing.
Two definitions have gained acceptance, according to Brüning: "Many (people who identify as asexual]) say they don't feel sexual attraction to others. Others prefer to say they have no desire for sexual interaction."
But the asexual spectrum is much broader, she says.
"Some people are repelled by sexual intercourse but like to cuddle or kiss. And some pleasure themselves or are simply indifferent to sex."
They all have one thing in common though, explains Brüning: Sexual intercourse isn't necessary for them to express love.
Where does indifference to sex come from?
There's no answer, says Dr Johannes Fuss, director of the Institute of Forensic Psychiatry and Sex Research at Duisburg-Essen University in Germany.
But he says it's important to point out that asexuality isn't a disorder and doesn't require treatment.
"Asexuals typically don't experience psychological stress on account of their orientation," he notes. "And where there's no suffering, there's no need for treatment."
A disorder, if any, lies in society at large, says Dr Fuss, as knowledge about asexuality is still often poor, and asexuals are often stigmatised or pressured.
An estimated 1% of the population is asexual, and information on asexuality is correspondingly sparse, says Brüning.
She'd like it to have more visibility so that young asexuals in particular could better inform themselves and make contact with other asexuals.
Social media platforms help.
"Suitable sex education could make it easier for young people to find themselves," remarks Dr Fuss, who says this means talking about the lack of sexual desire, too.
Having children is an issue that asexual women in particular are often confronted with, says Brüning.
"Just because someone doesn't feel sexually attracted to other people doesn't mean they can't start a family," she says.
This applies, for example, to asexuals in a relationship who have sex to conceive a child.
Brüning concedes that a sexless relationship can be difficult.
"When one partner wants sex and the other doesn't, they've got to find ways to deal with it," she says, noting that many asexuals who are nevertheless romantic often find compromises in their relationship. Or they expressly look for a partner who's also asexual yet romantic. – dpa
