Inner calm doesn't come naturally in old age but you can work on it. — Uwe Umstätter/Westend61/dpa
Romp around with the grandkids?
Your creaky hip might give out.
Visit your dear friend? She recently died after a long illness.
How about another big trip? Too taxing now – you’ll have to settle for looking at old photos.
Old age naturally involves loss.
But there’s also something to gain, namely inner calm, acceptance, contentment, serenity.
And perhaps greater enjoyment of the “little” things in life.
Why are some people better at this than others? And how can you achieve more serenity?
What is serenity anyway?
It depends on how you interpret the term.
“It can mean a sense of well-being in old age, positive feelings such as calm and relaxation, which aren’t exciting though,” says Maria Pavlova, head of the Department of Psychological Gerontology at the University of Vechta in Germany.
It can also refer to “the phenomenon that some people react less strongly to negative experiences,” she says.
Is serenity intrinsic to being old?
As nice as it would be, “you don’t automatically become serene in old age,” says educator and podcaster Bertram Kasper, a self-described old-age strategist” the title of whose German-language podcast translates as “Ageing Serenely.”
The reason – as research continually shows – is that older people are heterogeneous.
Nevertheless, there’s a tendency toward increased serenity as you get older.
“In wealthy countries... you can observe that, on average, calm emotions become more predominant in old age, that you can enjoy your life or feel more relaxed,” says Pavlova.
”On average” is the caveat here, because “there are big differences among individual people.”
How equanimously you go through life is less a function of your age than of your personality structure. “There are many signs that people have continuity – in their personality, in their reaction patterns,” says Pavlova.
If you were always composed and endowed with abundant emotional stability, you’re more likely to be serene in old age, agrees Kasper.
You’ll have a harder time of it if you were always prone to restlessness.
How does ageing affect personality, particularly in the face of illness and loss?
”Growing old is a constant exercise in acceptance,” Kasper remarks.
This last stage of life is marked by illnesses, the deaths of friends and loved ones, and perhaps financial worries as well. You can’t control all the areas of your life.
The good news is that so long as not too many problems pile up at once, older people are often able to cope with stressful events well, according to Pavlova.
”In many cases, deaths in your close circle or illnesses are seen as natural in old age,” she says.
Psychologists call these “normative life events,” that is, you expect them more than you do when you’re younger.
They’re painful nonetheless.
But when challenges mount – a chronic illness accompanied by pain and then the death of your partner, for instance – the tipping point can be reached, Pavlova says, adding that research suggests older people are less able to deal with such acute or multiple distressing situations than younger ones are.
What role does life experience play?
It can provide a reservoir of knowledge enabling you to better handle challenges.
“When people have an entire life behind them – an entire working life, for example – they’ve come to know themselves well and have a good sense of their strengths and weaknesses,” Kasper says.
They’ve also mastered transitions and crises before, “and have learned from them what works well in their own life and how to achieve security. This is valuable,” Kasper adds.
He points to the “Big Five” traits that personality psychologists use to describe the basic differences between people’s personalities.
One of them is agreeableness, in other words compassion and respectfulness toward others.
According to Kasper, it becomes stronger in many people as they grow old.
”When you become older, you don’t have to prove so much to yourself anymore and don’t get into as many confrontations,” he remarks.
Conscientiousness, another basic trait, increasingly wanes in many older people.
“It’s good for your serenity when your conscientiousness declines, because you’re more willing to let things pass,” says Kasper.
It’s easier to skip your brisk early morning walk, stay in bed longer and enjoy it.
How can you become more serene?
Practice serenity.
It sounds like a monumental task and hard to accomplish.
But because, as Kasper notes, it always applies to particular situations, you can repeatedly train it on a small scale – for instance when the cafe waitress takes a long time to serve you, or a look in the mirror shows your hair to be thinning.
To become more serene, it’s important to distinguish between important and unimportant situations, Pavlova says.
“In other words, between situations where you’ve got to fight because something against your will is happening in an area very important to you, and situations that aren’t so important.”
This way you expend your energy wisely.
Having a feel for the difference between important and unimportant isn’t confined to older people, Pavlova says.
You can also develop it at an earlier age.
In the final analysis, it comes down to this: Accept what you can’t change, which will give you greater scope in areas of your life where you can change things.
This succeeds best if you’re anchored in the present instead of brooding over the past or pondering the future.
To help, Kasper suggests that you ask yourself this question: “What’s good for me now, and what isn’t?”
If you heed your needs, you can shape the here and now.
And maybe you’ll find a bit of happiness that makes all the shadows disappear for a moment. – dpa
