‘Why do you keep criticising me?’

Criticism can strike at our deepest fears of being rejected and make us insecure in being ourselves. — Filepic

I fear year-end appraisals from my boss. As it was the end of the year recently, I had one and it did not go as well as I thought. My boss’ criticism of me kept lingering inside my head, keeping me awake at night. I fear I may be going into depression, and I sometimes feel like I am on the verge of getting a panic attack for fear of being criticised. Is this normal?

No one likes to be criticised, unless you are a masochist.

This is because criticism strikes at our very identity and is a blow to our fundamental desire to be liked, accepted, admired, valued, and even loved.

The pain we feel from being criticised can be as real as physical pain from a blow.

No one wants to be told they are doing a lousy job, or that they are not a good spouse, or that they are a lousy parent, or that they are bad at anything at all.

Even though criticism may not be personal, it very often feels personal.

It strikes at our deepest fears of being rejected, of not being good enough.

It makes us insecure in being ourselves.

This is especially true if we think the criticism is unfair.

But let us define criticism.

Criticism is the constructed judgment on the (usually) negative or positive qualities of someone or something.

It can be verbal or written.

It is also an expression of disapproval of someone or something.

So there is judgment in there, like “You are always so filthy” or “You are such a skinflint.”

I used to be criticised by my parents. In fact, even though I am now a grown-up, they are still criticising me – the way I dress, the way I bring up my children, the way I cook. They say it is to improve me. But why then do I just feel frustrated?

When we are criticised by someone we are close to, we feel controlled.

Human beings hate to be controlled.

It also devalues us and we hate to have our ego deflated.

That is why criticism just forms a downward spiral of resentment.

Criticism in a close relationship may start out slowly, and then build over time because the criticised person resents the criticism and most likely will not change their behaviour.

This causes the person who criticises to be even more critical, and this builds up even more resentment.

It is a vicious cycle that destroys relationships, leading to possible divorce and children going “no contact” with their parents.

In the workplace, this may lead to employees leaving their jobs, and thus, failure to retain good employees in a company.

But why do people criticise one another? Why can’t they just tell one another how to do something nicely?

Criticism is an easy form of defending your own ego.

People who criticise tend to be easily insulted, miffed or blow their top over the simplest things that other people don’t feel insulted by.

People who criticise another person feel devalued by the behaviour of another person, even though no offence may be intended.

For example, my mother used to criticise the way I would mop the floor.

Her way means mopping the floor in a manner that corroborates with the pattern layout of the floor tiles.

But my way is any way I like, as long as all the floor tiles get covered.

Critical people were often criticised in their childhood by their own parents, teachers, siblings or peers.

Childhood is an age when criticism is particularly painful.

They are unable to distinguish criticism of the behaviour they are exhibiting from criticism of themselves.

This is because in childhood, especially under the age of seven, our brain’s prefrontal cortex is not developed enough to make this distinction.

It means that if you criticise a child under seven, anything more than occasional soft criticism means that the child will perceive that they are bad and unworthy.

So the young child will try to be with people who will not make them feel unworthy, or if forced to remain with the critical person (very likely a parent), become self-critical, as to criticise yourself is better than the unpredictability and pain of being criticised by others.

But if critical people know how it feels to be criticised in childhood, would they not learn not to do it to other people when they grow up?

Actually, no.

The criticised child will grow up to be an adolescent who learns to identify with the critical person, because he deems the critical person to be more powerful.

He will still be self-critical.

But during their late teens, this criticism starts to turn into criticism of other people.

Most critical people are also self-critical.

But criticism works, right?

It only works in the short term.

The critical person gets what they need from the criticised person, e.g mopping the floor in the manner of which is approved by the critical person.

But in the long term, it builds up resentment.

This resentment is destructive to relationships.

This is as criticism is often phrased around a person’s personality or character, not the behaviour itself.

It is filled with blame, not focused on improvement, and based on only one “right” way to do things.

In the end, it merely makes people resist and not want to be with you any more.

If you are a parent and you are overly critical of your child, your child will probably try to get away from you as soon as they can and not want to have a meaningful relationship with you later on.

Dr YLM graduated as a medical doctor, and has been writing for many years on various subjects such as medicine, health, computers and entertainment. For further information, email [e-mail]. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only, and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. Neither The Star nor the author gives any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to such information. The Star and the author disclaim all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.