The recovery process from a breakup isn't a nice tidy line that rises up neatly from sadness to happiness, writes Anna Pulley. Illustration: TNS/Dreamstime
Dear Anna,
I’ll keep this brief. My relationship with my boyfriend of three years has always been a roller-coaster. We’ve broken up twice before, but found our way back to each other. Then I found out that he was cheating on me. That wasn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship, but it was the one that hurt the worst.
I broke up with him again and tried to move on. It’s been four months but I’m still in love with him. I know he’s still in love with me too. What do we do? – Looking Inward Makes Bothersome Opinions
Dear LIMBO,
You’re not in love with him. You’re in love with who your ex once was, and how your relationship felt when it was still good. You’re in love with how he made you feel during those happy times, and you’re in love with the (false) idea that with enough determination, you can get back to that good place.
I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. When you’re in these low valleys of the pain curve, you feel like things will never get better. You feel hopeless and, like those with depression, can’t even remember what “normal” used to look like, before your relationship began. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier, but if it’s any consolation, you’re on the cusp of a breakthrough.
Something I wish someone had told me about serious breakups earlier is this: The recovery process isn’t a nice tidy line that rises up neatly from sadness to happiness. There’s the initial shock and pain, of course, which we think will be the worst part, the lowest part of the curve, but actually the worst part comes a little later – probably right around what you’re feeling right now.
A month or two after the breakup (give or take) is often when the reality has sunk in, you’ve hopefully made a few major readjustments (moving into a new place, reconnecting with a few friends, building up your support system, etc) but you’re also feeling the acuteness of being alone for the first time in a long time.
Most of us rely on our romantic partners for pretty much everything – as best friend, as roommate, as social and financial support, as confidante, intimacy gratifier, eventgoer, gym buddy, travel companion and so on – and it takes a little time for the reality of having to do all those things alone to sink in. That’s the second low point on this roller-coaster bar graph metaphor we’re working with here. (There may be more, because life is unpredictable that way.) It’s only after a little time has passed that we start to despair again, thinking, will this pain ever end?
It will.
You did the hard work of ripping the Band-Aid off when you broke things off, now you just have to wait a little bit longer for the residual bruising to heal. You’re almost there. Dawn is just about to break over your heart horizon.
Many people don’t make it this far. They fall into the same traps and choose the short-term boost of getting back together with the wrong person instead of the long-term happiness of waiting for someone better and more well-suited to them in the future.
You’re going to feel a little worse before you feel better. But you are going to feel better, sooner than later.
Scientists actually came up with a rough calculation for how long breakups hurt. The Journal Of Experimental Social Psychology found that, on a 1-7 breakup pain scale, with 7 being the worst pain imaginable, each week the pain diminished by about 0.07. So if your grief is a 3.5 right now, in six months you’ll barely feel it. (Your mileage may vary, obviously, but time really does heal most things.)
That said, sitting around and waiting to not be in pain anymore is not very satisfying as a life plan, so what else can you do?
A few things. One is to remind yourself why you broke up with him. Like, really think about all the ways he’s wrong for you, his annoying habits, how he disappointed you, etc. Write it down and look at it frequently. Or just think about them. A study showed that focusing on such unpleasantness drastically helped decrease those pesky lingering love feelings that participants had for their exes.
The only caveat to this exercise is it tends to put a damper on one’s mood overall, so don’t repeat it too often, only when you find yourself in need of something to knock the rose-coloured glasses off your face.
Secondly, focus on getting a life. Connect socially with others. Renew old hobbies or learn new ones. Exercise. (I know, it’s tiresome advice, but working out three times a week has been shown to be more effective than antidepressants when it comes to increasing our happiness.) And don’t underestimate the power of distraction, which can be done with any of the above activity suggestions, or any way you choose, really. The same study about thinking ill of your ex also found that distracting yourself from intrusive thoughts helped to elevate participants’ moods.
Keep trudging up that hill, LIMBO. Healthier love awaits you at the top. – Tribune News Service/Anna Pulley
