Always being there for others isn't necessarily good for your mental health. — ERND DIEKJOBST/dpa
The stranger sitting across from you in the train drones on about their problems. You listen and nod politely, although you are dying to put in your earbuds and doze off to soft music. Or, at a company meeting, silence greets the question of who will take the minutes. So you volunteer.
Perhaps you are a person who is always willing to fulfil a request, or help out in a pinch even without being asked. Who is especially nice, considerate, attentive, self-sacrificing – always there for others. Perhaps this is how people describe you.
A very positive assessment, one might think. But these qualities aren’t necessarily good for your mental health, at least if they are motivated by a desire to please everyone.
”If you always bow to others’ wishes, you neglect your own needs,” says German career advisor and author Martin Wehrle.
We have a finite amount of time and energy. If you agree when your boss asks you to put in overtime, or your neighbour for help with house-painting, you draw down on your time and energy stores.
Constantly overdrawn energy stores are inimical to mental health. They are a sign you are ignoring what your body and mind are telling you, and you increase the risk of mental illnesses.
How does it make you feel?
Selfless, dutiful people consequently suffer burnout disproportionately often, notes psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Andreas Hagemann, medical director of Germany’s HaKu private clinics for psychosomatic medicine.
Being nice isn’t always bad for you. Wehrle points to what he calls the “concept of healthy niceness,” derived from the optimality principle of economic efficiency by Italian polymath Vilfredo Pareto (1848-1923). A “Pareto improvement” is an action that makes at least one person better off and no one worse off.
”If you do someone a favour and it makes you feel good, there’s no problem,” explains Wehrle. “But if you feel bad afterwards because you’ve gone beyond your limits, the action hasn’t paid off.”
”People pleasers,” who try to be all things to all people and don’t want to offend anyone, typically do so to be liked. Citing studies in the US, Wehrle says that people seen to be especially kind and accommodating often tend to be less well liked though.
One reason is that those of us who aren’t so very nice can feel pressured by those who are. Wehrle gives an example: “Imagine you’ve queued up in a supermarket checkout line when the person behind you lets someone cut in front of them. You might feel pressured to do the same.”
Nice people are also often suspected of having an ulterior motive for their niceness, for example brown-nosing their way up the career ladder.
Speaking of job and career, Hagemann notes that yeasayers are often dumped on at work: “If someone wants to have something done, they first go to a person they expect will say yes. Saying yes then increases the pressure of expectation on that person, leading to a self-reinforcing downward spiral.”
In other words, the more you’ve said yes, the harder it is to say no. Yeasayers can be taken advantage of in this way, says Hagemann.
”The roots of an excessive need for harmony frequently lie in a person’s childhood and upbringing,” he points out. They may have learned they will be rewarded for meeting others’ expectations – for example their parents’ – resulting in a proclivity to please.
”Niceness has an evolutionary component,” Wehrle adds. “It was once important to remain in the horde, otherwise you’d starve and die,” he says. In order not to be cast out, it was essential not to antagonise other members of the group.
Learn to say no
Fortunately, times have changed – which doesn’t mean it is easy to stop being a people pleaser though. The magic formula is setting boundaries: You have got to keep your own needs in mind and say no to things that infringe on them. This requires constant practice.
It is also important to lower your self-expectations and not demand too much of yourself. If you are unable to do so, psychotherapy is an option, Hagemann says.
Be it overtime at work, helping a friend move or a party invitation, ”always allow yourself time to think about it,” advises Wehrle. This prevents you from reflexively agreeing to something, and then regretting it afterwards.
While you are considering whether to accept, let your gut feeling guide you. “An honest no is better than an insincere yes,” Wehrle says. “Actually, it’s really quite unconscionable to feign eagerness.”
Sometimes it can help to take two slips of paper, write “yes” on one and “no” on the other, lay them on the floor and see which one you feel more drawn to. “Most people immediately sense which one has the greater attraction,” says Wehrle, who uses this method in consultations.
What if you turn down a request and it meets with resistance? Remain steadfast. If you stick to your guns, you will reap a reward:
”Self-efficacy,” Wehrle says. “That is, confidence in your ability to influence things and not be at the mercy of others.” – dpa/Ricarda Dieckmann
