The whole point of online dating is to get offline, and repeatedly asking someone how their day is going before knowing them or with no other context will not help that cause. — Dreamstime/TNS
If you are reading this article and you’re currently on an online dating site/app, then I am putting you on a “How are you?” cleanse.
All too often on the dating apps, even if you have a fantastic profile with lots of “message bait” – information in your profile specific to yourself that makes it easy for someone to ask a question or comment on – someone simply asks one of the questions below:
How are you?
How are you doing?
How’s it going?
How’s your day?
How’s your week?
How’s your weekend?
What’s up?
It’s not inherently bad! They are trying... somewhat. But it’s lazy. And the minute I see one of these questions, I know the conversation is probably going nowhere – leading to talking about a hard work day, relaxing after this hard work day, feeling sick, or doing laundry. (You’ll start to notice, and it’s truly uncanny.) We don’t even ask our friends every day, “How are you doing?” So no need to ask strangers.
Here’s what to do instead: Ask a question relevant to the person’s profile. Pick a topic, any topic, and you will see your conversation-to-date conversion rate go way up. Especially if that topic has to do with food or drink because there’s a natural progression into meeting for said food or drink.
Now that you know what not to ask somebody, what happens if someone asks you one of these questions? Should you dismiss the person immediately? Of course not, especially if you like the profile. The best thing you can do is add detail to your answer to convert the conversation into an actual topic. Ask for a highlight of the week or even just brush past the question and ask something about their profile. The difference will be immense.
As a corollary, sometimes it feels almost impossible to know what to write in your first message to someone if they have not provided any message bait, as discussed above. Maybe their profile is very generic (Who doesn’t like to laugh and have fun? Or go out and stay in?), or maybe there’s no profile at all, but you still feel drawn to reaching out for some reason.
As a former economist, I love a good ol’ A/B test. In the recent year or two, I have found that the most effective message one can send – if, and only if, the person has provided no message bait – is this:
“You seem like a genuinely happy person... am I right?”
It gets the highest response rate of any message short of asking something specific about the person’s profile. It also happens to work better when asking it to men. Only use this message as a last resort, but it is certainly better than anything included in the cleanse.
The whole point of online dating is to get offline, and repeatedly asking someone how their day is going before knowing them or with no other context will not help that cause.
In the world of online dating, where first impressions can be everything, remember that the “How are you?” cleanse isn’t about being judgmental but rather about elevating the quality of your interactions. It’s about fostering meaningful connections by showing genuine interest and creativity.
So, the next time you’re about to send that ubiquitous “How are you?” message, take a moment to pause and think about the unique aspects of the person’s profile that caught your attention.
Crafting a thoughtful and engaging message not only increases your chances of a response but also sets the stage for more engaging conversations and, ultimately, more successful dates. So, enjoy your cleanse, and watch the dates roll in. – Tribune News Service/Erika Ettin
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.
