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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 / email sam@befrienders.org.my / befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
When I was 14 years old, I opened a Facebook account and got to know a boy – Delixan, age 20 – who lives in Australia. Now he is 27. I am 21.
At that age, I was looking for love, care and attention, and I got it from this boy.
The biggest mistake I did was to lie to him that I was 18. Slowly, we developed a beautiful friendship and gradually fell in love. But when he proposed to me, I never accepted it or told him my real age. Although I rejected his love, he never misbehaved or disrespected me at any point.
Till today, I have never met him in person but we are still in touch. I still haven't told him my real age.
Last year, I met another boy and I liked him but I could not confess my love for him because I could not tell him the truth either, about who Delixan is to me, how I know him and all that. I rejected the love proposal from that boy as well.
So, I thought the only way I can move on with my life and get into a relationship is by confessing the truth to Delixan. But although I tried, I could not bring myself to do it.
I am studying for a degree, and I'm scared if anything goes wrong when I confess the truth, it could affect my studies as well.
At times, I think I have committed a sin towards Delixan. I hate myself for it, especially in recent times when I keep thinking about this a lot.
Please help me. What I should do ?
Scared
Thank you for writing in. I can see you are upset. Please relax. It’s not as bad as you think.
You told a silly lie when you were a child. If you heard of a little nephew saying he fibbed about his age online, would you be horrified? I bet not.
Kids tell a lot of fibs, especially young teens. Some do it because they enjoy make-belief. Some do it for attention. Some just fall into it.
We grow out of these things as we grow up. And for almost everyone, those silly tales just fade from memory.
It is unfortunate that you two fell in love. It is also unfortunate you didn’t tell him at the time why you rejected him.
I can see that it haunts you. It is also interfering with your life. You are not exploring relationships because you feel guilty.
We do not judge a child the way we do an adult. So please drop the guilt.
From your letter, Delixan is a good man. He accepted your rejection with grace. He also maintained your friendship by staying in touch.
As you are just 21, you are a very young adult. So I’m going to talk to you like a mum: People are hurt when rejected but giving up on life because of a disappointment in an online romance is strictly for fiction.
You don’t mention that he repeated his question. Nor has he tried to see you in person. That says he dropped ideas of romance and changed to platonic friendship.
This is what adults do. They accept a refusal and they move on.
Therefore, if you are imagining that Delixan is crushed for life because you rejected him, please drop that idea.
You only text so you don’t see what his daily life is like. As a 27-year-old man, Delixan likely has lots of other friendships, romantic and platonic.
Even if you wanted to date him now, the age gap between you is too much. At 21 and 27, you two are at completely different life stages.
As Delixan has acted honourably, I suspect that he would tell you that a mature man doesn’t date a young student. Friends, yes, but nothing more.
However, true friendship is founded on trust and truth. You need to come clean. Therefore, I suggest you text him.
Keep it short. “Something has been weighing on my heart. When we first texted, I was only 14. I should have said so. I am only 21 now. I feel terrible about not telling you earlier. Please forgive me.” Then wait.
He may be miffed. If he is, you can ride it out. But I think he will probably forgive you. I say this because of his past behaviour. He doesn’t sound like a man who holds a grudge.
As for the rest, you are at university. This is an exciting adventure. Not only will you be studying lots of new things but this is also the time to explore who you are, in a safe environment. It’s great fun because everyone around you is in the same position.
Make lots of friends and go on tonnes of dates so you can figure out what you want in relationships. There is a lot of growing up between the ages of 21 and 24, so you’re in for many changes.
What should you say about Delixan to curious potential boyfriends? Part of healthy relationships is having your friends, his friends, and mutual friends. So “We’ve been friends for years” should be enough. If it is not, run! Jealousy is a problem you don’t want in a partner.
As for Delixan, once you send that text and he is over the surprise, you will probably just carry on texting. In fact, it would not surprise me if you two were still texting each other when you’re in your 60s.
So go do the right thing, and then move on. You deserve to be happy.
