Dating is constantly evolving, as are the ways we choose to relate to or connect with others. Photo: TNS/Dreamstime
Dear Anna,
Is there ever a point where dating doesn’t feel futile? By dating, I’m referencing those initial few outings with someone new, not, like, as a stand-in for being in a committed relationship.
It seems like every couple I know of either dove headfirst into couplehood (monogamous or otherwise) practically from the moment they crossed paths or were merely part of the same friend group before things evolved romantically.
Am I doing something wrong here or is dating outdated? – Can Other Understandings Revive This Saccharine Heart In Progress
Dear COURTSHIP,
Dating is constantly evolving – as are the ways we choose to relate to or connect with others, whether for the purposes of finding a soulmate, a friend, a one-night stand, a diversion or something in-between.
Some people have a robust group of friends that they also call their dating pool. Some people get lucky on the first try. But the vast majority of us can’t sidestep the process – and, frankly, neither did your friends.
Everyone courts, even though we don’t call it that anymore. Everyone engages in a dance of getting-to-know-you-and-sometimes-naked, but no one goes about it in precisely the same way. Some people seem to go straight into monogamous cohabitation; others take a more circuitous route – but dating is still involved, no matter if you’re picking out grave plots on the second date or if you barely remember your date’s name.
Has dating gotten more casual? Of course. And this is a good thing. We used to need chaperones! We used to need our parents’ and society’s permission! Now we can grab a Mudslide at TGI Friday’s with a rando from the Internet, and with only the smallest amount of shame. This is progress.
Also, if you’re asking because you’re sick of swiping, you have my permission to take a break.
It’s hard to meet people when you’re feeling jaded and burned out – because you’re not in the right head space for it.
If you’re asking because you’re envious of your friends who managed to bypass online dating, you have my permission to feel envious – but only for a little while. Then you need to suck it up. Be happy for your friends. It’s very hard to find someone you really connect with. You’ll get there, but only after you conjure up a little joy for the process.
If you’re asking because you’re tired of the rituals you’ve been engaging with, you have my permission to change the rituals. What about dating is not fun for you? How can you make it fun? Is it that it’s expensive? Only go on free or cheap outings. Is it because they’re too long?
Set firm time limits – “I only have 30 minutes for coffee” – or try speed dating. Is it because you’re bored with the activities? Choose ones you’d do anyway – an ice cream shop you’ve heard great things about, an art opening you wanted to check out, a weird museum, a beautiful walk, etc.
You can’t force a connection with someone – sometimes (most times) it just doesn’t click – but you can at least partake in activities that are enjoyable to you, so the dates aren’t a total wash. Is it the app experience that’s getting you down? Switch it up – ask friends to set you up, try an in-person dating event, or join a hobby/group for singles.
As French novelist Marcel Proust put it, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”
Good luck, COURTSHIP. May your eyes be new and your Mudslides be strong. – Tribune News Service
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating.
