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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I am a 45-year-old divorcee with no children. I currently hold a senior position at a higher learning institution. I would describe myself as pleasant and mild-mannered. I am fortunate to have a close-knit group of friends. While my past experiences have led me to decide not to marry again, I am generally content with my life and career.
However, I am writing to you because I find myself in a perplexing and uncomfortable situation at work. A colleague of mine has been persistently hitting on me, and her actions have become increasingly intrusive and disturbing. She frequently approaches me in exam halls and corridors, initiating casual conversations and conveying a level of interest that I find unwelcome. Additionally, I heard that she recently scolded another female colleague for merely discussing exam invigilation with me, which I found alarming and unprofessional.
I have tried to handle the situation with grace and patience, as I do not wish to create a scene or disrupt our work environment. However, her behaviour is making it increasingly difficult for me to focus on my responsibilities and maintain a sense of normalcy in my daily interactions at work. The fact that she didn't hesitate to scold a colleague for speaking with me raises concerns about how she might react if I did confront her directly.
Given these circumstances, I am reaching out to you for your expert advice. How can I effectively address this situation in a way that discourages her advances while preserving a professional and harmonious work relationship? I want to ensure that my actions are respectful and measured, but I also need to establish clear boundaries to protect my comfort and well-being.
Your guidance and suggestions would be immensely valuable to me, and I am eager to hear your thoughts on the best course of action.
S
Thank you for writing in on this delicate issue. You are the target of unwanted romantic attention at work.
Work does not equal dating. Under some circumstances, it is OK to ask a colleague if they are open to a personal relationship – although it is tricky! However, we do not push personal attention onto others, unless explicitly invited into a romantic relationship.
You say you acted with grace, which is unclear. Have you spoken up? Because, sometimes, not saying anything is seen as encouragement.
However, even if this woman is labouring under a false belief that you are interested, she has no right to go about limiting your interactions. It’s a huge red flag.
Either way, the way to deal with unwanted behaviour is to call it out, and then to actively discourage the unwanted behaviour while encouraging the behaviour you do want.
Ideally, you might tell her bluntly, “I am not your date; I am your colleague. You do not decide who speaks to me. This stops now. We are professionals.”
But you are afraid to be blunt as she tends to be loud and scolding. With that, and the fact that she’s trying to control whom you speak to, I think you are probably correct. This does not sound like a pleasant, sensible woman. As a professional, your colleague ought to know better.
Given you are in a public institution, I suggest you take it to HR. They should be expert at this. Say it simply as you wrote to me. “I have a serious issue that I require your help to resolve. I am the target of persistent, unwanted overly personal attention by Ms X. While I have tried to avoid her, her actions have become increasingly intrusive and disturbing. She recently scolded Ms Y for having a work discussion with me.
As a result of Ms X’s unprofessional behaviour, I find it increasingly difficult to maintain a sense of normalcy in my daily interactions with colleagues. Given the sensitive nature of this issue, I do not feel comfortable confronting Ms X directly. Would you please step in for me, tell her this must stop and help her establish clear professional boundaries so that we prevent further occurrences?”
Your HR department should take your colleague aside, set her straight and hopefully that is the end of it.
However, given the red flags, this woman may try to rope you into a discussion. Be firm! “I do not wish to discuss this. We are professional colleagues only.” Then document and report formally to HR. Make sure in your mind and theirs, that harassment will not be tolerated.
Hopefully, if your colleague has any sense, she will reconsider her behaviour. Then you can act as though nothing has happened, and with some time, this incident and the embarrassment will fade away.
As for yourself, there are many tactful yet unmistakable ways to share that you are not open to romance. Read up, and make these communications part of your skill set.
Good luck and know that I’m thinking of you.
