When you start to compare the past with reality, it can have a negative impact on your current relationship or dating life, as your past seems better, thanks to your distorted memories. Photo: dpa
No matter whether you were in a long relationship with a special person or just went on a couple of dates, sometimes you wind up mourning a lost love for a long time.
Mourning “the one who got away” expresses the regret or sense of nostalgia about an opportunity you may feel you missed out on.
But for whatever reason, the relationship did not work out – so how come you are struggling to let go?
You may feel that this is impossible but “ultimately, letting go is a decision. And it’s more likely that you don’t want to let go”, says couples therapist Eric Hegmann, from Germany.
This might be the case for several reasons, ranging from hope to dissatisfaction with your current relationship. You may also understand romance as meaning fate first brought you together before separating you again.
One problem can also be that you compare the ideal of what could have been with the reality, according to another couples therapist, Ilka Schutte. Thinking about the past can often be a bit more appealing than day-to-day reality. Let’s take a closer look at what is behind this idealisation of a past relationship.
Often, you may romanticise the past based on the idea that there was a perfect relationship in which you could have everything with a partner forever, but it didn’t work out with them, says Hegmann.
In other words, you over-romanticise a partner, projecting all your hopes and wishes onto this person.
Psychologist Felicitas Heyne says there is a myth behind this idealisation. “There is no such thing as the perfect partner,” she says bluntly. But as long as you hold onto this myth, you can never be completely happy and satisfied in a relationship.
Over-romanticising a partner can be exacerbated by memories that suggest everything was perfect, in what Heyne calls “the romanticising effect of the past”.
“In the past, bad things usually seem less bad, but nice things usually seem even nicer. We forget what was bad and exaggerate what was good.”
Such idealised moments then come to the fore, Schutte says, and we start to compare the past with reality, which can have a negative impact on your current relationship or dating life, as your past seems better, thanks to your distorted memories.
Focus on reality, Schutte recommends. “What always helps is not to get lost in this fantasy world, but to look at reality and see what it was really like.”
After all, if it really was true love and you both saw it that way, then perhaps you wouldn’t have broken up after all.
You can record this process in writing or talk to close friends or family. Heyne says sharing and listening to another perspective is important as friends or family don’t look through the rose-coloured glasses of personal memory, so perhaps their memories might be more reliable than yours.
The easiest thing to do is always to create more positive things in the here and now that bind your thoughts to the present, so you don’t have time to think about the past, Heyne says. It helps to tell yourself: “It’s not a fate that I’m at the mercy of, I create it all in my head.”
Relationship coach Hegmann says that you can let go as soon as you feel inspired and motivated to do so. It is perfectly normal to harbour the desire to win back your ex during the heartbreak phase. But you have to remember that this phase will pass if you consciously let go of these thoughts. Only then will new possibilities and opportunities open up, he says.
Depending on one person is often related to the fact that we are excessively self-critical and look to others for what we cannot give to ourselves. We look for love, recognition and affirmation, while forgetting to give ourselves such attention.
“After a loss, the first thing you need to do for yourself is heal, and do things to help yourself. Make your own life beautiful, fulfill your own values, wishes and dreams – independent of anyone else, independent of the outside world,” says Schutte. – dpa/Elena Hartmann
