Jealousy can both ruin and save a relationship. It all depends on how we deal with it. From a simple hug to speaking more honestly, there are several strategies to help you overcome this feeling. — Photo: Vitta Gallery/Westend61/dpa
It doesn't feel good to be jealous, and jealousy isn't societally seen to be good either. But is it really as bad as its reputation?
The "green-eyed monster" can in fact be a warning sign of relationship problems, and if you learn to read the sign, you can even strengthen your relationship. "In this respect, the mild variety of jealousy definitely has a positive side," says psychotherapist Wolfgang Krüger.
Let's say a woman goes to a party with her partner and converses animatedly with another man - perhaps even flirts with him. Her partner takes notice and feels a rush of jealousy.
"Jealousy can be a red flag that something's amiss in the relationship," Krüger says. Ideally, the man will speak with his partner about the situation, make his feelings clear and work together with her on making sure their relationship is on firm footing.
"Normal jealousy is the fear of losing someone you love [to another person]," says Fiona Waltraud Berle, a life coach for personality development. A cliched trigger event is a woman discovering lipstick - not hers - on her husband's collar.
"Reacting with jealousy is perfectly normal," Berle says.
Delusional jealousy, on the other hand, is downright destructive. It's a condition in which someone, fearing loss of their partner to someone else, constantly checks up on them and is incapable of working constructively to solidify trust.
"At base, delusional jealousy is a personality disorder - and terribly annoying to the other person," remarks Berle.
Jealousy is rooted partly in childhood, according to Krüger: "The person felt neglected and experienced unstable relationships as well."
But its underlying causes also lie in the present. Sometimes, says Krüger, feelings of extreme jealousy result from low self-esteem, the person's dependence on their partner, and little ability to realize their life goals.
"The person is overly fixated on their partner in all areas, as it were, and forfeits their own anchor in life."
Here are five tips from the experts on getting your jealousy under control, and thereby strengthening your relationship:
"You should first begin a process of self-knowledge," Berle advises. In other words, thoroughly analyze the situation that triggered the feeling of jealousy. Both partners can ask themselves what they find lacking in their relationship, and the jealous one what exactly makes them jealous.
Is it that the person your partner chatted with so pleasurably is wittier and more intelligent than you are? As in other circumstances in life, it helps here to make a conscious effort to accept yourself as you are.
It's important not to mince words, of course. "You don't simply ignore the lipstick on your partner's collar, but directly ask him why he's having a bit on the side and what it is he misses in you," Berle says. Once your standpoints are clear, you can work together on your relationship.
"In the case of delusional jealousy, however, there's little you can do on the relationship level," notes Berle. The person's perception of reality is so distorted that only psychotherapy, if anything, can rein it in.
You can overcome situational jealously by becoming more self-assured, according to Krüger. How? "By writing down every evening what you did well that day." It will get you to pay more attention to your positive qualities and bolster your confidence in yourself.
You shouldn't allow yourself to grow too dependent on your partner by focusing your entire life on them. "It's beneficial to become more independent through more friendships, which will also boost your self-esteem," Krüger says.
Along with making and cultivating friendships outside of your relationship, pursuing your own life goals is important for your self-esteem. Why not, for instance, learn to play the piano in adulthood if you'd like to?
In general, little things help a relationship too, such as walking hand in hand, treating your partner with respect, and giving them the benefit of the doubt and trusting they mean well for you. – dpa
