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When I was younger, I was told to be nice – to do things the "right way" or to "think and behave like an adult"; to not ask too many questions and to just do as I was told, as well as to be quiet. In short, I should always follow the rules set by others.
Only by doing all these things would I be considered a good student and be liked by my peers and teachers. Be polite, then people will like you.
However, reality often confused me because my teachers and friends always seemed closer to the friends who were considered naughtier and noisier than me.
As I grew older, I applied the same principles to my working life, thinking that the harder I worked, the more my bosses would love me. I quietly did what I was told, making sure not to allow anyone to complain about my work.
Everyone around me was pleased, except for me. I was not happy.
I thought about it every day and wondered, "How is it that everyone else seems so happy and satisfied, but not me?" My boss was pleased because I worked hard. My friends were happy because I helped them. Everyone around me was happy, but why was I not happy? Was I doing something wrong?
I started feeling resentful about helping others. That's when it struck me that something was not right because the way I was feeling was not right. If things were going well, I should not be feeling unhappy or unfulfilled.
How did I go from enjoying helping others to resenting it? Upon reflecting on it for some time, it seemed to me that what I had learned about the concept of kindness, of helping others, and more, was somewhat faulty.
In the journey of becoming a counsellor, I did a lot of self-reflection and had to spend time unlearning things – and I learned to see the underlying issue. If there were two of me standing side by side, how would the other me feel when I pushed myself so hard? When I did not let myself rest, just to go and help others and make others happy?
Simply put, in following all the rules other people had set as an example, I had forgotten to make myself happy, to live for myself, my way. I was so focused on making the world happy I forgot to make myself happy too.
Consequently, it resulted in part of me being angry, sad, and mad at myself. Unknowingly, I became my own enemy, causing my own unhappiness.
Fast-forward to this very day, I've learned to be self-compassionate, to make sure that I am also doing things that make me happy.
Self-compassion has made me understand that I, too, deserve attention, kindness, and love directed towards myself when I am having a difficult time. When I notice something I don't like about myself or something not going the way I want it to, instead of ignoring my pain or frustration, I stop to tell myself this: “This is a really difficult moment for you. How can I comfort and care for you right now?”, instead of mercilessly judging and criticising myself for various inadequacies or shortcomings.
Being self-compassionate means loving yourself enough to be kind and understanding towards yourself when facing problems caused by yourself or by external factors. After all, who said I am supposed to be perfect?
My reflection on this, over the years, has made me understand that making progress is better than perfection.
I need to be happy, and unconditionally love myself. Only then can the overflow of my love be channelled to others. Only by helping myself first can I then help others better. Because I am genuinely kind to myself, I can show kindness to others. And from the overflow of the well of my inner being, now I can do all these things because I have learned to love myself and treat myself better.
It comes naturally to me because it is my way of life now. It is evident in the way I walk and in the way I talk now.
