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Dear Thelma,
I’m at the lowest point I've been since moving out on my own, and I haven’t been able to talk much about my situation with anyone.
Things are difficult at work. I’m struggling to find my footing in a completely new field, and I feel out of place. My senior colleague doesn’t work well with me, likely because we have very different opinions. I'm left to fend for myself.
To make matters worse, my manager forces me to report everything to my senior. It would be great if I were learning and improving my communication skills, but my senior does all the tasks.
He even took over a client I was supposed to handle after consulting him. He claimed I took "his" client, saying it was difficult because it was unfamiliar territory. However, I soon realised, during a visit arranged by our manager, that they had already sold multiple products to this large client. Meanwhile, I’ve been left with clients that are already being handled by another senior.
I’m left wondering, what’s left for me to do?
My family situation isn’t any better. After a recent visit to my grandmother, my mum sent me a random message saying she has given up on me. She was upset because I shared something with my grandmother, who has always doted on me more than her.
My relationship with my mum has never been smooth, and it’s exhausting to talk to her. Despite trying my best to be filial, she repeatedly wants to sever our mother-daughter relationship. I’m tired.
Yesterday, I tried reaching out by calling her as well as messaging the family in the group chat, but they all ignored me.
As for my relationship with my boyfriend, we have been arguing almost daily, mostly due to his repeated mistakes and lack of understanding. For a long time, I’ve been the only one trying to hold on to the relationship, and I’m exhausted. He admits his mistakes now, but I don’t see any real change.
Yesterday was the breaking point. I accidentally hurt myself, and while I was on the verge of collapsing, he just sat there. I ended up falling to the floor, and his excuse was that he was planning to get me a pillow after I fell. I was so upset I couldn’t even argue anymore.
Instead of comforting me, he got mad and started throwing things, while I was crying. He then accused me of picking fights just to find an excuse to break up. But I don't pick a fight over nothing.
Maybe I’ve been overly sensitive, but after four years, it’s hard to forgive everything. He had promised to make things right, but they’re just empty promises.
Now that I’ve moved out, I have to start managing my expenses. My house loan instalment is coming up, and my salary is barely enough to cover it. Also, I need a car.I wish I could start over like characters do in novels, but this is reality, and it’s harsh.
Overwhelmed
You are arguing with your senior at work. Your mother is angry with you and so are the rest of your family – except for your grandmother. You and your boyfriend argued daily for years and have now split up.
You give few details about your quarrels, but from the few you have shared, I shall make some suggestions for moving forward before making some general recommendations.
First, work. Following a disagreement, your senior is taking over your work and mispresenting what needs to be done. To move forward, clarify what needs to be done with your manager, and then address the relationship with your senior.
To reset the relationship, remember that offices are usually hierarchies. Therefore, if there is a difference of opinion in how the work should be conducted, it’s the senior who leads and the junior who follows.
Butting heads typically increases strife as it is perceived as being rebellious or arrogant. Whether this is fair is another matter; it’s called work for a reason!
As you have immediate bills to pay, I suggest you try to adapt for now. Later, find a corporate culture you are more suited to. If that is tough in your industry, you may want to be a contractor, work from home, or change careers again.
Second, family can be tricky, and if your grandmother favours you over her daughter, that suggests a hurtful dynamic.
You don’t share details of this particular clash but it is clear that your mum did not send a random message. She has told you many times that the relationship is in trouble. Also, your family have given up sharing their input.
So whatever it is that going on, you know what is at the root of this issue. If you want to resolve this, you will have to work towards a solution that you can all live with.
If you do not wish to do this, or a conversation doesn’t lead to a satisfying result, then you may be estranged from your mother. As your family were silent, they may distance themselves from you too. It may not be permanent, estrangement is often temporary, but it is unpleasant. Tread carefully.
Third, love matches are about compatibility. Outside of deliberate harm such as violence, emotional abuse, and cheating, there is no right and wrong. We talk to each other and negotiate a relationship that works for us. If that’s not possible, we exit.
I’m concerned that you were both angry for a long time. It does not sound as though either of you enjoyed it.
Putting it all together, it is clear you have problems in establishing and maintaining relationships. You are not connecting at work, with your family, or with a partner. Also, you don’t mention friends.
As there isn’t enough detail here, the most effective way forward is to talk to a professional, a person with at least a Masters Degree in counselling or psychology with a background in managing dysfunctional relationships.
They will help you unravel the dynamics and help you work towards effective change. While you may know some difficult people, we all do, you will have to change too. That means you will have to reflect honestly during sessions, and be prepared to make changes in your views and behaviour.
I don’t think you will like my reply, but I urge you to follow the advice. I say this because I think you are already isolated and unless you change significantly, you may find yourself cut off entirely from personal connections.
We all deserve to be happy, so please read this response carefully, and know that I’m thinking of you.
