The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I’m a woman in my 30s, and I’ve been struggling with loneliness for as long as I can remember.
I am extremely introverted and find it difficult to make friends or even engage in basic human interactions.
My childhood was quite isolated. Although I was raised in a strict but supportive family who encouraged me to play with other kids, I was always too afraid to talk. As a result, I grew up feeling disconnected, and over time, my family described me as quiet and shy.
In school, I didn’t make any meaningful friendships. I fell in with the wrong crowd for a while – skipping classes and following bad influences – until I got caught and realised I needed to distance myself.
I never really bonded with anyone after that, and by the time I reached college, I found myself repeating the same pattern. I stayed away from people who didn’t align with my values, but in doing so, I isolated myself even further. As a result, I left both school and college without any lasting friendships.
All of this has led to deep trust issues, and now I find it nearly impossible to connect with people at work, on social media, or in any social setting. I’ve even had unhealthy relationships that ended badly, reinforcing my fear of trusting others. I’ve been single for over five years, and I’m scared I will always be alone.
I do try to improve. I want to let people in, but something inside always holds me back. My mind constantly questions whether new acquaintances will be good or bad, and this fear prevents me from building any real connections. I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about this because I don’t believe my family understands what I’m going through, and I don’t have friends I can confide in.
I’m reaching out to you for advice because I truly want to change. I want to break free from this loneliness and improve myself, but I don’t know where to begin.
Thank you for writing in on such a contemporary issue: The loneliness epidemic has become more apparent after the pandemic, and so you are one of millions of people who have realised they are quite disconnected.
Here are some ideas on how you can move forward.
You were shy as a child and you had trouble making friends at school. I’m curious why your family didn’t help you actively by teaching you how to socialise back then. Even shy introverted kids make friends when guided properly. That is a shame, because a vital part of raising kids is to teach them socialising skills.
But that is the past. Today you are an adult, so you can learn social skills and move forward.
First, update your thoughts. Currently, you think in hard black and white: To be friends, people must embrace your values. You also judge them in terms of good or bad.
As you have cut yourself off almost completely, I’m concerned that you’re overthinking this.
People are messy, neither good nor bad, but just human. You aren’t perfect either, and neither am I. Serial killers and other criminals aside, it is not useful to judge people for thinking differently than you do.
If you have a judgemental streak, drop it, and accept that adult friendships come in different flavours. Then consider that the way to connect with people is to pick up on what you have in common, and to go lightly over the ideas where you differ.
For example, you may meet people who share a hobby like hiking and gardening. You talk about trails, walking, plants and so on, and bond over that.
You may also socialise with people who share some of your values, maybe your religion or your politics. You bond over what you share, but instead of quarrelling where you differ, express curiosity and non-judgemental interest. You don’t need to agree and also, you never know if you might learn something!
There are books on etiquette and on how to make friends. However, it may be useful to book a few sessions with a therapist.
Given you describe your family as strict, and the fact that you tend to fall into unhealthy relationships, I am wondering if your family dynamics are in play here. Therefore, I suggest you pick a therapist who is well versed in dealing with abusive and dysfunctional families.
Note that this is simply a precaution; your family may be perfectly lovely. However, therapists who deal with difficult families are super skilled in helping clients change their communication and socialising styles. Either way, it’s a win.
Tell the therapist all about your friendships and relationships, and ask her to help you see your patterns, strengths, and weaknesses. Given you are also nervous about this, include an anxiety assessment. Then work on ways you can move forward effectively.
You can do this! Also, as we’re in a loneliness epidemic, you are not alone. So go read, talk to a professional and know I’m thinking of you.
