Dear Thelma,
I'm a single woman in my 40s, and I'm facing a challenging situation within my family.
My childhood was shaped by adversity, with my father's passing when I was young. My mother, a single parent, admirably raised five of us: Two older sisters, an older brother, and a younger brother. From a young age, I felt a deep responsibility to succeed and provide for my mother, who had sacrificed so much for us.
Today, I'm fortunate to have achieved financial stability, but my sense of duty extends beyond personal success. My youngest brother, now in his late 30s, has struggled to maintain a job despite his academic achievements. This situation is compounded by my mother's enabling behaviour, which has inadvertently perpetuated his dependency.
I've witnessed firsthand how my mother's unconditional support has hindered my brother's growth and independence. Despite her awareness of his age and ability to work, she continues to provide him with funds, even when it means depleting her own savings. Her willingness to enable his frivolous spending habits and even borrow money on his behalf has created a cycle of dependency that seems impossible to break.
I've attempted to address these concerns with my mother and brother, but their responses have been dismissive and evasive. It's as if they're blind to the consequences of their actions, and my efforts to intervene have been met with resistance. When I asked her why she keeps providing for him despite knowing that he needs to work, she says "That's just me."
I'm at a loss for words, Thelma. I feel a deep sense of helplessness and frustration. I care deeply for my family, but I'm also concerned about the long-term implications of this situation.
My mother's financial generosity has already led to her own hardship, yet she doesn't stop this habit. She has depleted all of her savings, her pension cannot last her a month and she complains to everyone about her financial standing; but she never complains about this youngest son who refuses to go out and work and uses her money to live on.
Perhaps you can suggest strategies for addressing this complex issue. I'm open to any advice or recommendations that might help me navigate this challenging time.
Ms T
Thank you for writing in on such a delicate and difficult issue. In a nutshell, your brother is happy to leech off and bankrupt your mother. Your mum knows this and continues the behaviour as she feels helpless.
Clearly, this must stop.
If your mother were mentally incompetent, you could have the courts appoint a guardian. However, you don’t mention dementia or other issue. In fact, your letter suggests your mum is competent.
So what we are looking at here, is financial elder abuse. Let me explain what it is, how it works, and then we look at what you might do to set this right.
Financial elder abuse is the improper use of an older adult’s money or assets for the benefit of another person, usually the abuser.
Financial elder abuse is common. Typically, seniors who live without a partner, feel alone or sad are more likely to be targeted by predators.
Financial abuse typically comes with psychological abuse. It can be fear driven, “If you don’t give me money, I will hurt you” and “If you don’t give me money, I will hurt myself and it will be your fault.” It often relies on obligation and guilt too. “You’re my mum, you’re supposed to support me. Don’t you love me?”
For an elderly person, such onslaught can be overwhelming. They give in but they also hurt. In some studies, financial abuse is linked to increased risk of early death.
This is a serious situation, and you might think that a family meeting will help. I caution you to wait.
During interventions, the family will try to talk your brother into getting a job and keeping himself. They will counsel your mum to save her money as she needs it.
However, you spoke to your brother and he has shown you who he is. He knows what he is doing and he does not want to work.
If you rush in with the family, your brother and mother may promise change. However, your brother will just lie about it and your mum will be too shy to tell you the truth.
Alternatively, your brother will fake great anger, declare himself a victim, and then isolate your mother so she has no support left.
Therefore, I suggest you plan first. Go to the AKPK, which is Bank Negara's free money-counselling agency. They have offices everywhere, so check akpk.org.my for the one near you.
As financial elder abuse is a common dynamic, talk to them openly about the situation. Ask them what measures they recommend.
Among the options you can explore are a Power of Attorney (POA) where your mum appoints a person she trusts (you, maybe) to help her manage her finances.
Alternatively, a second person is added to her bank account, you maybe, and a small daily limit is set so she can’t be bullied into giving money away.
Some banks will also provide support, alerting you and offering extra protection before allowing large withdrawals or transfers.
Consider asking your mum to live with you or someone who can be trusted; someone who can oversee her finances so your brother can’t get to her.
Finally, if your mum has jewellery or property, learn how to safeguard these.
Once you have your options laid out, make a plan that works and then call a family meeting. You need to do this because shining a light on the abuse will help identify and manage it.
Please know that people avoid difficult or serious matters. This meeting will be challenging. Do not allow anyone to gaslight you into thinking that what is happening is OK. Stand strong.
If you can, ask a solicitor friend to come along, to educate the family on what is happening.
Hopefully, you can then take steps to safeguard mum as a family.
While I hope this works, it may not take immediately, as some families don’t see the danger.
Should you not get a good result, step back for a few months. This will be very hard, but you will have to be firm and not reward your brother’s or your mother’s behaviour.
Even if they try emotional blackmail, do not give them money, and do not pay bills for them. If you teach them that they can use your money, they will bankrupt you too.
By not fuelling this nasty dynamic, they will go and try it on with the rest of the family. Once they see what is going on, you will have a second chance to push the issue into the open and fix it.
This is a tricky situation, and I am very sorry for the circumstances. Please do consider getting some help for yourself too. A few sessions with a therapist can help you manage the stress.
Good luck and know I’m thinking of you.
