Dear Thelma,
I am a woman in my 40s, married with children, and I am grateful for the happiness and stability I have with my family. However, I find myself struggling with a long-standing issue that has troubled me for years - my strained relationship with my mother.
Growing up as the eldest of three siblings, my childhood was difficult, not due to financial hardships, but because of the way my mother treated me. I was often scolded, beaten and berated for minor childhood missteps, like coming home late from a friend's house or not excelling in exams. These experiences have left a lasting impact on me, and I have grown indifferent towards her. While I partake in customary celebrations, I feel no desire to maintain a close relationship with her.
I cannot say the same thing about my siblings because my parents have a different relationship with each child, so much so that if we talk about our parents, it's as if we are talking about a different couple altogether. As adults, we (my parents and siblings) never have open discussions to talk about our issues and problems. Any issue pertaining to family members is swept under the carpet, and other people behave like there is no issue.
As an adult, I have learned to set boundaries to protect myself from further hurt. My mother has never acknowledged or apologised for her actions, and she often manipulates situations to avoid accountability. She also uses the "blessing" card, insisting that only her blessing can ensure my happiness. Over time, her lack of accountability and tendency to spread falsehoods about me have frustrated me immensely.
I have forgiven her, but I refuse to endure her demeaning behaviour any longer. I do not see any potential for reconciliation beyond a superficial relationship. Is my approach fair or should I consider handling the situation differently, especially given her age?
Frustrated
Thank you for writing in on this very difficult subject. Please know you are not alone. We’ll talk about the effect of beating on children, about common methods for healing and this will hopefully empower you to make a decision that suits you.
Today, we have the Internet and there are discussions about different parenting approaches. This was not always so. In the past, beating children was common.
Today, we have hard evidence of what even mild violence such as spanking does to kids.
A 2021 study led by Jorge Cuartas at Harvard University, the United States, examined the brain structures of kids who were spanked and those who were not with the help of MRIs, machines that can map the brain.
They found that spanked kids undergo brain changes – similar brain changes as those who are severely abused.
Put in layman’s terms, kids who are assaulted by the people they love and trust become very sensitive to danger. Basically, they learn they cannot be safe.
This leads to increased incidence of anxiety as well as other mental health problems, including low self-esteem, perfectionism, depression, and drug and alcohol abuse.
Many people suspected this well before MRI machines. Gentle parenting has been a force since at least the 1960s. So why did adults continue to beat their kids? And why do some insist on doing it now?
The reasons are many. Some parents think violence is proper because they were beaten when small. Some learn that beating children can cow them into being quiet and docile. Some are angry because they’re unhappy with life or work and they take it out on their kids. Of the ones who are just angry, many then gaslight themselves into thinking it’s OK really because the kid deserved it.
Finally, not all parents like their kids. This is particularly hard to understand but we are all human. Being a parent doesn’t automatically ensure love. So there are also adults who beat their kids because they don’t like them.
Why, after generations, are we now talking about violence? In the past, families were heavily dependent on each other for survival. These economic bonds are now lessening. As a result, today’s children are confronting their parents. They want at least a conversation, if not an apology.
We all dislike being criticised, especially when we know it’s deserved! Therefore, not all parents are willing to discuss why they chose violence.
Some of the adults who dig in their heels and won’t be accountable risk losing their kids. We don’t like to talk about it, but estrangement and elder abandonment are on the rise globally, including Malaysia.
That’s the big picture. Let’s talk about you. From your letter, your mum beat you and every time she did so, you loved her less. That’s human. As an adult, she won’t talk about it. You are angry because you feel the injustice. Again, that’s human.
Your mother didn’t treat your siblings the same way, so either she learned better or she liked them better.
My dear, I think that is where the problem lies. If your parent had learned better, she might talk about it. But the fact that she won’t, and is instead using emotional blackmail with that “I can do what I want because only I can bless you” feels as though she’s underlining that violently assaulting you was OK.
You want to stay away but you’re worried because she’s old. That is very kind of you. But she has your sibs whom she treated better.
Under the circumstances, you can choose any path that makes you comfortable. Your mother is an adult and she knows what she ought to do. If she won’t make amends, adult to adult, then there’s no reason for you to set yourself up for more pain.
Keep your boundaries and, if in the future there is change, you can think again. For now, live your best life. Embrace the people who love you, and be happy.
Finally though, if you have never talked about the effect of violence in childhood on your life, it can be worth discussing it with a therapist skilled in working with abuse. Also, you don’t mention your father or the other adults who might have helped you. As a few sessions can help you process what happened and learn some tools for healing, it’s worth considering.
Again, thank you. So many of us struggle with the issue of corporal punishment and too many people want to ignore the injustice and the consequences. So thank you very much for speaking out so bravely. Know that I’m thinking of you.
