Dear Thelma,
I am the mother of a 30-year-old daughter, who is currently living with me and my husband. She is our only child, and we have always devoted ourselves entirely to her upbringing, providing support and assistance in every possible way. Growing up, she didn't have to lift a finger as all her needs were taken care of.
While I once saw this as an expression of our love, I have come to realise, perhaps too late, that we've not equipped her with essential life skills such as saving money, problem-solving and self-sufficiency.
Our daughter, despite earning her own salary, often runs out of money before her next pay cheque and relies on us for additional funds. She drives, but when she doesn't have enough cash for petrol, she turns to us for help. She hasn't learned to cook because I have always taken care of the meals. Her life has been sheltered, and I am now genuinely concerned that she lacks the skills necessary to navigate adulthood independently.
She doesn't have a boyfriend and she tells me she isn't settling down anytime soon. I suspect that is because she is comfortable at home when all help is within reach and if she gets married, she would have to shoulder responsibilities which she is not ready for. In any case, I believe everyone needs a degree of life skills to survive, whether one is married or not.
As her mother, I want to support her in developing these essential life skills and, to some extent, rectify the oversight in her upbringing. How can I help her gain the independence she needs while still being supportive and loving? I would be grateful for any advice or strategies you could offer to help guide her towards becoming a more self-sufficient adult.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my situation. Your expertise and insight would be invaluable to us as a family.
Zee
Well, that’s a clear letter! You see your issue and its roots easily, which is useful, so all we need to do now is chart a path for effective change.
Your problem is a common one at present; helicopter parenting has created a body of children who are adult in body yet as unskilled as children. Thankfully, as it’s common, there are tried and tested ways to correct its course.
As you point out, your child may want to marry and maybe she won’t. That’s her choice. But she must learn to keep herself. So that is where your focus lies as her parent.
If your daughter is sensible and you have an open relationship, you can lay out the issues: She needs to grow up. She will need to learn cooking, cleaning, laundry, budgeting for herself, doing her taxes, and planning for holidays, retirement, etc.
This is not fun. Nobody likes doing dishes or cleaning floors. Most people run screaming from budgeting. However, we all have to look after ourselves. In short, she has had a lovely free ride so far and now she has to suck it up.
Focusing on the change comes in three parts. First, you all agree that you will not step in anymore to fix her problems. Second, you agree to a short learning period of one month where you are willing to teach. Third, after that month she’s on her own just like other adults.
The hard part for you all will be watching her learn and make mistakes. During the first month, she will be frustrated at having to learn. Tempers will rise. After that, she will be semi-skilled so she will run out of petrol money, burn dinner, forget to do her laundry, and more.
Do not fix it for her! If you rush in to fix it, you are teaching her that she can do sloppy work and you will pick up the slack.
Instead, stand back and let her work it out. If necessary, explain what needs to be done but don’t do it for her. She must learn to be self-sufficient.
Her learning curve will take several months. It will be very frustrating to watch so in that time, try to release your stress through walks, doing pleasant activities and reminding yourself that this parenting needs to be done.
Should you all have a good sense of humour, laughter can really help. Learning life skills as an adult does have its funny side. So perhaps you want to watch Three Men And A Baby to destress.
If your daughter is lazy or entitled, then the same process must happen but there will be lots of anger. In such cases, the lazy adults refuse to learn, deliberately mess up, and they use anger and emotional blackmail to try and manipulate everyone.
This is a sad thing but unfortunately many people think they’re too good to do housework and they’ll do anything to make others their servants.
If this happens, it is vitally important you stick to your guns. Have a month where you’re willing to teach (not do for her!) and then she’s on her own. Turn a blind eye and deaf ear to the tantrums and sweet-talking. Focus on the goal.
With stubborn kids, some parents give a deadline by which their adult child must move out. While tough love has its attractions (especially when there are sulks and tantrums), do think carefully before using this nuclear option.
If she can’t afford rent and food on her income, it would be unkind to chuck her out. Your daughter must be able to sustain herself financially. So if she forces a situation where you tell her to pack her bags, do arrange for a small sum to go into her account for a few months.
I do hope you all get along and that this can be a family project. If not, push through and know you’re being a good parent and that she really needs these vital skills.
Good luck and know I’m thinking of you.
