Dear Thelma,
I am in my mid-30s, and my partner is in his 40s. We’ve been together for seven years, and our relationship began during a challenging time for him – he was going through a divorce. I was hopeful that once his divorce was finalised, we would move forward toward marriage. However, the timing was never right. He faced significant rough patches in life, making it difficult for us to plan a future together.
In the early years, he was preoccupied with his business and projects, while I was deeply invested in the relationship. I often felt like I was chasing his love and affection, trying to address his dismissive behaviour and attitudes. Despite my frustrations and disappointments, I held onto faith that things would improve.
Over time, his circumstances changed. His projects ended, his father passed away, and he began to reflect on how he spent his time. These shifts prompted him to reprioritise and give attention to the people who matter most in his life, including me. He has become more loving and affectionate, embodying the qualities I longed for at the start of our relationship.
Despite this positive change, I find myself losing interest. It seems like the love I once had for him has faded, and I’m unsure if it can be reignited.
Adding to this complexity is our living arrangement. We’ve been staying separately all these years. He currently lives with his mother and sisters and wants to stay close to his family and son (an 11-year-old from his previous marriage). If I were to move in, his son would share a room with us, a situation I feel uncomfortable with as I’ve had sleepless nights during previous stays.
Now, I am left questioning whether I should stay in this relationship and try to reignite the spark or accept that we’ve reached the end of the road and move on.
If I should stay in this relationship, how can we work together to reignite the spark and rebuild our connection? On the other hand, if it’s time to part ways, what is the best way to communicate this to him with minimal hurt and ensure a compassionate closure?
I would greatly appreciate your guidance in helping me find the path that aligns with both my needs and his.
EZO
Thank you for writing in and being so honest in your feelings. Please read my response to the end, OK? Because some of the things I will say may be hard to hear.
You’ve been in a relationship for seven years. Your goal was marriage. It has not happened.
During these long years, he lived with his mum and sister and put them and his work first.
You’re not talking marriage even now, however, if you move in, it includes having his 11-year-old son in the bedroom. This guarantees that you will have no private life, no adult time.
What kind of relationship is this? I’m concerned that his actions suggest it’s all about him and his comforts, with you and your relationship rating absolutely last or maybe not even at all.
Next, let’s look at feelings.
In the early days, he was dismissive of you, but you chased him. Why? When this man was dismissive, what stopped you from moving on?
I don’t know you, but you may find it useful to know that adults who grew up with cold and distant parents sometimes find themselves attracted to cold and distant people.
The reasons for this are complex, but the outcome is the same: Cold and distant partners tend not to make for happy and warm relationships.
I’m concerned that you didn’t move on to find someone warm and kind, who was excited to date you. I think you need to examine why this happened, and to ask yourself where you would be now if you had moved on and found a loving, warm partner.
As it is, you stayed but you also lost interest. I believe that is natural. It is possible you noted unconsciously that his life was centred around his comforts, and being unimportant, your feelings cooled.
However, as you stood back, he switched to being warm. Why?
Again, please note that partners who play mental games will blow hot and cold. I’m concerned this is happening here.
Has he realised you’re considering leaving and therefore he’s decided to woo you back? Because if that’s what is happening, then there’s a strong possibility that he will revert to his cold self the second he feels you are committed to the relationship.
Your goal has been marriage. This suggests you prioritise your relationship. It sounds as though he does not.
I’m curious why you aren’t moving in together in your own place, to make a new home as a couple. Naturally, his son should live with you both, and be loved by his dad and stepmum, but at 11, he should not be in your bedroom!
In short, from this letter, I am concerned. My view is that you deserve a partner who is excited to be loved by you, who loves you back and who prioritises your relationship while also being a good but sensible father.
However, it is not sensible to assess a relationship based on a letter. You haven’t made up your mind yet, and therefore I think you need to talk to someone who is not invested in your life, either a good friend without an agenda or a professional therapist.
Work out what you want from your life right now, and for the next 50 years. Then ask, if you stick with this man, will you get the life you want?
If you think he fits into it, give yourself a few months to see if the love returns. Talk to your friend or therapist about what that would look like.
But if he does not fit into your needs, then call it a day. You wanted a script for the second scenario, so here it is.
“I’ve been thinking about us and our relationship. Over time, my feelings have changed. I don’t feel the same way I once did. This is hard to say because I care about you and value the time we’ve spent together. However, my mind is made up. It is best for both of us to move on.”
Above all, trust yourself. You’ve seen his true self over seven years; use that information and do what makes you happy. And know I’m thinking of you.
