Dear Thelma,
I’m a 34-year-old single woman who works from home as a freelance graphic designer. While I enjoy my work and the flexibility it provides, it has its drawbacks – particularly when it comes to meeting new people. Since my social and professional circles rarely expand, meeting eligible men has become quite a challenge.
I’ve thought about joining online dating apps, but I’m cautious. Stories of people misrepresenting themselves on their profiles make me hesitant to trust the process. I fear wasting my time on men who aren’t serious or genuine, or worse, finding myself in uncomfortable or unsafe situations.
At this stage in my life, I would love to find someone who shares my values and aspirations. I’m not looking for perfection – just an authentic connection. I’ve tried attending social events and participating in hobby-based groups, but I often find these settings filled with couples or younger crowds who are at different stages of life.
What advice can you offer to someone like me? Are online dating apps worth the risk, and if so, how can I use them safely and effectively? Are there other ways I can meet like-minded, eligible men while balancing my work-from-home lifestyle?
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your guidance.
Still Searching
Thank you for writing in on such a topical question!
Malaysians are delaying getting married. The average age of couples getting married increased from 24.7 years in 1990 to 28.9 in 2022. Reasons for this include women feeling unfairly burdened with home, child and elder care, and therefore prioritizing personal freedom and career.
At 34, you are a bit over the average age for marriage but that’s really not unusual. If your activities are filled with couples or people of the wrong age, then your dating strategy is misfiring.
So here are some thoughts about dating for commitment today.
Dating apps took off because they promised a wider net of dating opportunities than relying on a personal network. Although that sounded good, it has proven to include dangers.
When we date people we know or whom our friends know, we can be certain that they’re single, and we have verified information about their background, including family and career. This provides a layer of protection.
Think about it in terms of driving. In a village, drivers are known, so they are polite. Those same people may reach a city and behave rudely, pushing through red lights, speeding, honking and so on, because they are essentially anonymous.
Dating is the same. People who feel they are anonymous can behave very badly. That includes pretending to be single when they are married, pretending to have different lives, jobs, dependents and so on.
There are reports of married men using apps to score casual sex. In addition, some people have no intention of meeting up; they’re looking for the validation of having an emotional affair online.
Finally, there are extremely disturbing reports of predators using apps to source victims. These predators will engage in nice chat on the app but when they meet, they will assault the target. Some spike coffee or cocktails with drugs.
The world can be a scary place.
On the upside, there are also lots of nice, normal people on apps who are looking to meet people, on apps and outside of it.
I suggest you use an approach that maximises your chances of meeting the right kind of partner together with optimum safety.
First, figure out what you want. For that you need to know what your ideal relationship looks like. Write that down. Then create a profile of your ideal partner: Age, hobbies, values, and lifestyle. Also list your dealbreakers.
Once you have that, ask your friends to introduce you to partners that fit. That will introduce you to men who are known and vouched for by friends.
Second, look online but weed out predators. Your goal is to find a potential match.
On your profile, state your hobbies, circumstances, and need for commitment honestly. But drop it into your first chat that your personal values mean you won’t have sex until you are engaged and they’ve met your family. That should get rid of casual cheaters.
During an early chat, ask the potentials what their ideal relationship looks like. Just let them talk, and don’t share your opinion until after they have talked. If you want to have three kids and two dogs and they want to live a life of travel and career, that’s not a match, so be polite and move on.
If you talk to someone likeminded, suggest a video call. If they refuse, there’s something wrong. Move on.
If the video call works well, aim to meet in real life. Ideally, you have a day or three of chat, and then a video chat. If that works, start meeting in real life. If he says no, then move on.
Think of it this way: If he’s not super excited to meet you, he’s not relationship material – or he’s in it for an emotional affair.
When you meet up, arrange to be collected by a friend or family member. Do this for the first six dates. I say this because predators come across as normal but many of them can’t hide their real selves completely over a sustained time. If you spot something troubling, break it off.
Does this sound brutal? Ladies are typically conditioned to be very forgiving, which backfires when we’re dating. You want a relationship, and that’s serious business.
So please remember that you are successful freelance graphic designer. A mature woman of 34. You only date men who respect you, who want the best for you, and who feel pride when they are out with you. Any man who does not feel this, is not a match.
As there are lots of wonderful men out there, just keep moving forward until you meet someone you click with and who will make a good partner. Good luck and know I’m thinking of you.
