Dear Thelma,
I’m deeply troubled by the growing emotional distance between my daughter and me. She’s a young adult now and has recently expressed a strong desire for independence, including wanting to move out of our family home. While I understand her need for personal space and independence, I can’t help but feel dejected by the changes in our relationship.
She’s started coming home very late at night and has told me she doesn’t want to answer my myriad questions when she gets back. She also says she doesn’t want to worry us and that she feels stifled by our family dynamics. I’ve tried to explain that my questions come from a place of love and concern, but she perceives them as intrusive.
I’ve also noticed that she’s reluctant to discuss more personal aspects of her life with me, such as her love life, her friendships or even her work. Whenever I bring up these topics, I sense a strong pushback. It feels as though the deep, meaningful bond we once shared is being replaced by something more superficial.
I’m at a loss for what to do. I want to respect her need for independence and autonomy, but I also want to maintain a close and loving relationship with her. How do I strike this balance? How do I ensure that she doesn’t keep distancing herself from us, little by little? I fear that if this trend continues, we’ll become strangers to one another. All this is making me overthink things, and causing me sleepless nights.
How do I handle this delicate phase of our relationship?
A Concerned Mother
Oh gosh, I really feel for you. Being a parent can be awfully stressful, can’t it?
First things first: Parenting through life stages. A parent’s main job can be summarised as taking a little baby and nurturing it into a healthy, independent adult. The child goes through various life stages where their world and person change considerably.
As a parent, our style must adapt to each change, being supportive but also knowing that the final part of the project means letting go almost completely. That’s not easy when you know your daughter is legally adult but your heart remembers her as your baby.
Your issue is an age-old one, which is good because it means there are common approaches for getting good results.
You are starting off on a high spot because you acknowledge her age and that she needs distance and respectful boundaries. You are simply uncomfortable with the changes. That’s perfectly normal.
The issue may lie in your identity. I would ask, is this your only child? Your oldest child? Your youngest and last to exit? Because when you’ve spent two decades parenting, a child leaving the nest can lead to an existential crisis whereby we ask ourselves, "Who am I?"
For many parents, the loss of that role creates distress. Comfort comes from remembering who you were before you were a parent, seeing what still fits, and thinking of the person you want to be from now on.
This is not a simple matter, but when done properly, the updated you will emerge and help you lead your best life.
Next, you say your daughter is out late and she doesn’t want you to worry. I’m uncertain how to read that.
If you are concerned that your daughter is in bad company or in trouble of some kind, then that is upsetting. However, you cannot live her life for her. This is a very hard lesson, but it is essential. An adult must make her own mistakes.
As she has expressly told you not to ask, treat her as you would a respected friend. Remind her that you are there if she wants advice, and then let her deal with it. Lean in on your own friends with your worries for your comfort.
Should the issue be that you have been fussing too much over her life, second-guessing her choices, and asking for too many details (in a misguided effort to push that old bond), then a reset is required.
I expect it is that because your daughter mentioned family dynamics and you admit to a myriad of questions.
Put plainly: Acting like an investigating police officer is never attractive. It doesn’t matter what your motive is; it’s not kind behaviour, and it’s not even polite behaviour.
Unfortunately, we often forget our manners when we deal with relatives. We love them, but we treat them worse than we do strangers. It’s an odd dynamic but it can be changed.
For your reset, consider how you would treat a person you respect. Would you quiz your boss? Or your teacher? Maybe a member of the royal family? Of course not! Give your daughter the same respect; redraw your boundaries.
You already know what she considers off-limits. Make a list. Then respect that. It’s literally that easy.
For the relationship reset, sit your daughter down and open your heart. Tell her you fear your relationship is changing, reassure her that you will respect her autonomy, show her the list of boundaries she has mentioned, and explain that you will change. Then do so.
As her mum, you can ask that should she be in serious trouble (a scary partner; bullying in the office), that she can lean on you. After all, every one of us needs safe people to confide in.
Then give it time for the relationship to settle. It will probably take some time, but once she knows you are making that change, she will lean in more. Don’t push; let her come to you.
Finally, if you need help, this is precisely what therapists are for. Look for a professional with a Masters in Counselling or Psychology who has at least 300 hours supervised practice, and who specialises in relationships and family dynamics.
As I said, this is an age-old problem but it can be managed. I hope my answer helps you effect positive change. Good luck, and know I’m thinking of you.
