Dear Thelma,
My elder sister has been enduring a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage for many years. She confided in me recently, and while I desperately want to help her, I am at a loss for what to do without potentially making things worse.
Throughout her marriage, my sister has suffered constant belittling, gaslighting, and a complete lack of love, kindness, or emotional support from her husband. Although he has never been physically abusive, the verbal and emotional toll has been immense.
She sacrificed her career years ago to raise their children, which has left her financially dependent on him. Now, with no income of her own and no means to support herself independently, she feels utterly trapped.
Their children, now grown and attending college, are obedient to their father, who is very strict and controlling. They seem unaware of the extent of their mother’s suffering. My sister’s breaking point is fast approaching, and I fear for her mental health. However, she feels she has no options and no way out of this oppressive situation.
As her younger brother, I want to do everything in my power to support her, but I’m aware that any action I take must be careful and considerate. I don’t want to inadvertently escalate tensions or leave her in a worse position. I’ve suggested seeking professional advice, but she’s reluctant, fearing her husband’s reaction if he were to find out.
How can I help her find a way to regain her independence and self-worth? Are there steps she can take to protect herself emotionally and financially while planning for a future away from this toxic relationship? What resources might be available for someone in her position?
I love my sister and cannot bear to see her suffer any longer.
Concerned Brother
I'm so sorry; your poor sister. Many ladies are trapped in an abusive relationship, which may not be a comfort but it does mean we can discuss common elements.
Now, people can quarrel, not get along or be a poor match. That's not happening here. You observe that this is decades of systematic, unrelenting nasty behaviour. This is abuse.
Abusers use various tools to render their target helpless. The most common are fear, isolation, financial abuse and violence.
Your brother-in-law may not hit your sister but his emotional abuse is designed to destroy her spirit. It is psychological violence.
What most nice normal people don't understand, is that abusers are different from us. They aren't interested in empathy, justice, fairness or kindness. All they want is control. They get very angry when they don't get exactly what they want.
Therefore, your sister cannot approach this man with an open heart in the spirit of looking for a win-win. Your job is to empower her so she can help herself.
Your sister is rightfully afraid but she's taken the first step: She labelled the abuse, brought it out in the open, and asked for help.
What happens next is several things at the same time. Planning her freedom will require expert help from two types of professional.
With the greatest respect to the legal profession, you need a Rottweiler, a lawyer used to dealing with dysfunctional marriages. If possible, very quietly make an appointment in your name, take your sister, and ask what legal steps need to happen.
The lawyer deals with the husband. Not you, not your sister; you leave it to the professional.
I won't sugar-coat this: Many abusers ignore the law, knowing that courts take forever. Others disappear with the family assets. Some go overseas.
Ask the lawyer about best practice. Follow the advice.
She will also need mental health support. Look for a counsellor who specialises in recovery from abuse. Your sister is terrified and has been bludgeoned by emotional trauma; that needs specialist healing.
Hopefully, the kids continue to talk with both parents. However, she may lose the kids, either for now or for some years. That will be a wrench a counsellor can help with.
If the kids want to have some sessions with their mum, that's fine. However, do not allow anyone to talk your sister into couples counselling.
Couples counselling is for people with good hearts who need help connecting or negotiating. An abuser will just hijack that process and use it to further the abuse.
If your brother-in-law wants to change, that's his journey. Let him get on with it and make sure your sister builds a foundation of personal independence. Once she has that, she can do as she thinks best.
Experts cost money. If you’re short on funds, (and who isn't?), talk to an NGO dealing with violence, such as All Women's Action Society (Awam) 03-7877 4221 and the Women's Aid Organisation (WAO) at 03-3000 8858.
In addition, both of you should also read up on abuse. Read the Awam and WAO websites, Google "escaping from an abusive relationship" and learn from other people's stories.
You believe your brother-in-law is not physically violent. That may change. Be prepared to keep your sister safe at your place or anonymous hotel or airbnb. Ask the lawyer for advice and, if necessary, talk to your local police too.
Knowing what to expect should help your sister decide how she wants to do this. Be patient. Understand that the fear may paralyse her. Some abused women take a long time to gather the courage to leave. There may be false starts.
Once she exits, she will need a job and a home. If she can't stay with you, maybe a cousin or other relative can put her up for a few months? As her brother, make sure she's protected mentally from nasty types who tell her to go back to her abusive husband. Her priority is her own safety, physically and mentally.
As for work, if her kids are at college, it suggests she's in her 40s. Still young enough and healthy.
She may be able to go back into her career. If she is not ready psychologically, I suggest that a simple job that brings in some cash is a good start. Anything will do, just so that she gets back into a basic healthy work life pattern.
This is a lot, isn't it? Do impress on her that it's one step at a time. Just keep inching forward. A safe place, a simple job, a little income. Then a bigger job, a little more money, and so on.
Abuse is terrifying but millions of people escape and recover. You have each other. You can do this. Good luck, and know I'm thinking of you both.
