Dear Thelma,
I’m a 28-year-old woman who has been in a loving relationship with my fiance for four years. We’re engaged to be married in a few months, and until recently, I thought we were on the same page about our commitment to each other.
A few weeks ago, my fiance shocked me by suggesting that we each have a "free pass" to sleep with someone else before our wedding. He explained that this would somehow be healthy for our relationship and even strengthen our bond. Hearing this from him felt like a punch to the gut. I felt hurt, confused and suspicious. Was this coming from some unspoken dissatisfaction? Did he have someone in mind already?
When he saw how upset I was, he immediately began apologising profusely. He admitted it was a terrible idea and said he deeply regretted even bringing it up. He’s been doing everything he can to reassure me of his love and commitment ever since.
While I appreciate his efforts to make amends, I can’t seem to shake off the sting of his suggestion. It’s made me question everything about our relationship and whether we should even be getting married.
At the same time, I’m wondering if I’m overreacting. After all, he’s human and made a mistake – one he’s owned up to and apologised for. Maybe it’s my insecurities that are blowing this out of proportion. But the trust between us feels shaken, and I don’t know how to move forward without this lingering in the back of my mind.
Am I wrong to feel this way? How do I process this and decide what’s best for our future? Should I forgive and move on, or take this as a warning sign?
Thank you for your guidance.
Unsure and Hurt
I’m so sorry you are upset. It is upsetting but let’s talk it through and hopefully, you can move forward in an effective way.
There are no universal rules for running a relationship. Among the common structures in Malaysia we have monogamy where people commit to one person only, and polygamy where a man has more than one wife.
But there are lots of different configurations. For example, in parts of Africa, Polynesia, and the United States, polyfidelity – a marriage where partners in a group agree to be exclusive within that group – is practised.
The question is, what do you want? From your letter, you are monogamous. You want a one-on-one exclusive partnership. That is perfectly fine. However, your fiance must agree and commit to this. As he has questioned it, I think you two need to talk.
First, I think your fiance needs to challenge some of his perceptions, particularly the one where he thinks a relationship will strengthen if the partners have sex with others.
I’m judging here but is he a fan of TikTok? Because there’s a lot of reels pushing the idea that open relationships are the future.
These ignore a basic issue: While some people can love several others equally, most of us will have a favourite, someone who is closer than others. In poly relationships, that imbalance can cause emotional distress, including jealousy and insecurity.
Successful poly relationships require an awful lot of work, especially open and fair communication and equal empowerment. It is not for everyone.
So in your conversation, I think it’s important to start by asking where his idea came from.
Does your fiance come from a polygamous family? Or does he know people who do so happily?
If he believes those partnerships are for him, then either he will have to choose you and monogamy or give up your relationship to pursue a lifestyle that he prefers. He can’t have both, so it’s a dealbreaker.
Second, given your marriage is coming up soon, maybe your fiance is concerned about the responsibilities (running a home, maybe having kids, looking after each other). If so, he may have had a moment of panic that spurred him into wanting to run away.
With pre-wedding jitters, it is not uncommon to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side too. That’s especially true for people who have not had a lot of dating experience, who have a mismatched sex drive, or other intimacy issues.
Sometimes these jitters are a protest that speaks to inner needs, and sometimes they are nothing more than expressions of stress.
As marriage is a big step, I suggest you have a conversation to discuss whether you are both ready to sign up for a lifetime commitment. Talk together about what you want from your relationship now, how you see yourselves in five, 10 and 50 years' time, and then make up your minds.
Good luck and know I’m thinking of you.
