Dear Thelma,
My wife and I are both 34, and we’ve been married for 10 years. We have two children: a nine-year-old son and a two-year-old daughter.
About a year ago, my wife suddenly asked for a divorce. Only after I asked, “Did you have sex with another man?” did she admit that she had cheated on me.
This happened while I was responsible for caring for our two children, and she confessed that it had only happened once during our marriage. Taking care of the children hasn’t been easy, as it meant sacrificing my career and growing distant from my wife.
When my father passed away, I decided to move back to my hometown with our two children to look after my mother, who was alone. My wife chose to stay in the city to pursue her career, and this distance between us continued.
After her confession, we reconciled, and I forgave her. We moved back in together, and for the past 6-7 months, I’ve been trying to save our marriage. However, along the way, I’ve been triggered by her behaviour, especially the way she is very friendly and attentive with her male friends, some of whom she goes out with late into the night.
Since moving back together, I’ve felt heartbroken almost every day. Last month, I reached a breaking point and had a mental breakdown. I vividly remember confronting her about going out late, and if I hadn’t asked her to come home, she probably wouldn’t have come back until the next morning.
That moment felt like the final straw, and I found myself without any sense of purpose or direction. I felt angry, betrayed and just wanted to escape it all.
Before I knew it, I ended up at a temple – a place I’m familiar with. I disappeared there for nearly two weeks, focusing on my healing.
Now, as I continue focusing on my healing, I can’t stop thinking about everything, and it breaks me every time. I’ve been back for nearly a month after my disappearance, living alone, and we have agreed to a divorce (pending legal proceedings).
I want to be alone to fully focus on my healing because I feel that contact with her or the kids will only trigger feelings of betrayal. But even though our communication has been minimal, I still deeply care about her.
I’m struggling with whether I’m being selfish by wanting this space. Even as I write to you now, I feel so down, lost and unsure of who to turn to.
I don’t want my trust to be betrayed again, especially by someone who was once so close to me.
Should I go completely no-contact with her? What about my kids? I feel lost and don’t know what to do. Appreciate your reply.
Anon in distress
Dear Anon in distress,
I’m very sorry for this situation. Let’s take a look at steps that will help you make empowered choices.
First, when you are a parent, kids come first. Your two-year-old won’t remember this time, but your nine-year-old will be in distress. You say you can’t see them. That is not right.
In this trouble, they are the victims. Children don’t think like adults, so they are likely to think they are to blame for you disappearing. Your duty is to see them immediately so you can parent them.
They don’t need to know more than, “Sometimes adults love each other but they don’t want to stay married. We’ll explain when you’re much older. All you need to know now is that you have us both, always. We love you very much.” Hug them a lot. Let them chat, and be calm and friendly. Do not abandon them!
Next, let’s talk about you. You have been through an emotional roller-coaster. Your impulse is to divorce or to walk away, but as you are unsure, I’d wait with the paperwork.
As you are extremely distressed, speak to a mental health professional, a professional with a Masters in counselling or psychology, who can assess you for stress, depression and anxiety. If necessary, they can refer you to a medical doctor if you need temporary help with medication for your mood or sleep.
Talk to her about your kids and what you need to do to support them.
Next, figure out what you want for your future. You can do this part alone, or with professional help. In case you do it alone, here is how that works.
The best way forward when a partner has cheated is this: ask yourself why you want the relationship. Is it just that you yearn for what you had, or do you think there is a real possibility for happiness?
If you want to divorce, that’s fine. You cannot quit being a parent, so you will have to hammer out a custody agreement. These come in many different forms; work out what is best for the children. Make sure you both see them very often. Be present.
As for saving your marriage, my thoughts when I read your letter is that your method was ineffective. Resets are quite complex and involve various steps.
It is possible your wife is not interested, in which case you will have to divorce. But in case you want to discuss the possibility of a new go, here is how that works.
The first step is communication. You should express your feelings openly and your partner must too. Your wife must be accountable for her behaviour, apologise, and then be honest about what she did and why.
Couples try to avoid this conversation. However, you need to discuss details to assess the cause of the trouble. If you don’t know what’s broken, you can’t fix it. As these discussions are very painful, this can take a dozen conversations over a month or longer.
In your case, I suspect that leaving your wife to live with your mum was pertinent. You don’t mention an emergency so was your mother simply lonely? Because from the outside it looks as if you prioritised your mum over your marriage.
This is a choice some people make, especially in traditional marriages, but it tends to impact badly on modern marriages because the message it sends is, “You are not my priority.” It may be that your wife felt you had checked out of the relationship.
I am not excusing your wife’s cheating. Unhappy people have a duty to speak up, and if they don’t get an answer they like, they end the relationship before they move on. Cheating is unacceptable.
However, it is possible that a feeling of abandonment, of not being first, is a fundamental issue that led to the first disconnect and that it is still fuelling the disconnect.
Usually, there is more than one thing going on. People are complex! Once you have talked out what happened and why, you restart your relationship on a new foundation based on mutual respect and focused on healing and growing trust.
When you tried to go back, this did not happen. Instead of prioritising the marriage, your wife was out late at night with other men. Reading between the lines, you suspect she was still cheating. Frankly, I think it’s a strong possibility.
In a reset, a clean foundation is where the cheater cuts off all contact with the lover or lovers. This is not negotiable. If your wife cheated with coworkers, she may need to move jobs, departments or offices.
Then, as part of reestablishing trust, she must be transparent about where she is and what she is doing when you are not with her. This step is for comfort and rebuilding trust, it is not a license to control! This is usually a time- limited part of the process.
You also commit to spending a lot of time together. You date, you talk and you rebuild your connection actively.
During this period, you both keep an eye on your weak areas, especially the ones that led to the trouble. When issues come up, you work together on positive change.
Rebuilding on a new foundation takes a year to 18 months. As a reset is emotionally intensive, a therapist can help. You can have a couple’s counsellor but some people choose to have an individual therapist, for their own emotional support.
You should know that this approach requires deep scrutiny for both parties, so it is uncomfortable and often painful. Many people opt out during the process. Typical problems are that the cheater just won’t give up other partners or that the person who was cheated on can’t rebuild the trust.
Should you stick to it, you both evaluate at the end of the period, see how you feel and take it from there. You may recommit or decide that the relationship is over.
And that is it! You have options, so seek support for yourself and have a good think about the next step. As emotions are running high, you may choose to do nothing for six months, and see how you feel then. There is no rush.
Either way, I urge both of you to work on helping your kids right away. Even if you cannot live together or like each other very much, be a kind and loving presence in their lives. Also rope in grandma and as many others as you can. Give the kids a solid foundation of love so they grow up with good happy support.
Again, I’m sorry this happened. Whatever you do, know I’m thinking of you.
