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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
My family lives with my grandmother and my uncle's family. This uncle is my father's brother. The house is big enough to fit all of us comfortably but it is under my aunt's name, that is, my father's sister.
All this while, we have been living here without paying anything to my aunt, and my father has taken this for granted. The decades passed. Things started to change after my grandmother passed away recently.
The reason my aunt let us live in this house was so that we could take turns with my uncle's family to take care of my grandmother. Now that she is gone, my aunt's daughter is looking to sell the house.
My father, who has taken this for granted all these years, did not save a lot and now that he is unemployed, he simply cannot afford to buy the house as they are looking to sell it for RM1mil.
My uncle, who was living with us, has a house so it is not an issue for him – he can just move to the other house with his family.
But it will be a problem for my family.
I recently bought an apartment which is still under construction and will only be completed by early 2025. I was pretty excited to finally have my own space after sharing a room with my brother for the past 30+ years.
When they mentioned selling the house, my heart sank. My mother has been pressuring me every day to buy the house from my aunt. I now have to either sell or rent out my apartment but I can only do that when it is ready. So, my dream of having my own place is crushed.
I cannot let my parents go homeless, but I will have a huge commitment to pay for the apartment and for the house we are currently living in. Paying for both would be a huge financial issue for me.A father's responsibility is to provide a roof for his family. However, here I am, bearing that responsibility. I feel frustrated and hopeless.
Please advise.
Hopeless
This is a common issue, so thank you for writing in so clearly. Many families make a deal whereby someone looks after the old folks in return for living rent free. Ideally there is also an allowance from family who don't contribute personal care.
Looking after old folk is tiring, never ending, and can impact badly on mental health. Then, when it ends, the caretaker has to move on. Clearly the allowance ends, and often the house is sold too.
It is therefore vitally important for caretakers to plan ahead.
Ideally, caretakers save up from the allowance so they have a deposit for their own home. If they are young, they also invest in training. Then, when the change comes, they can take a few months off to recover and rest, and then they move into their own home and take on a regular job.
Your family have known for decades what was coming. You planned for change by taking advantage of not paying rent and saved up for your own home. Sadly, your parents didn't do the same.
As they haven't made provisions for themselves, they are now in a pickle. People resist change and so it's normal to wish for things to stay the same. However, you are not responsible for your parents' poor choices.
I suspect your parents have trained you to think you have to parent them. You don't. So drop the guilt. Your mum's moaning every day is bullying and her demands for controlling your money is financial abuse.
You don't want your parents to be homeless. I honour the sentiment. But let's be frank. Your parents will not get to stay in a million-ringgit home. They don't need to own a home at all. They can rent and work for a living just like other people.
They're going to scream about this and resist. But their lack of planning should not cost you your future.
Your parents are adults and must plan their own future. You can't force them to do so, and that's something you will have to accept. However, you tell them what you're willing to do for them.
Get together all your financials. Keep your home and move in when it's ready but help your parents with an allowance that they can use for rent or living expenses. This may be tricky so be careful to leave yourself some flexibility.
Practically speaking, selling a home takes months. So you all have time before the house is sold and you move out. But if your aunt's daughter sells the house this year, you will have to rent a place in 2024. Or perhaps your cousin will accept rent from you for a year?
You also need a cushion for yourself in case you change jobs, the company you work for downsizes or there is another change.
If you need help working out options, visit one of Bank Negara's free AKPK Financial Advisory services near you. They have staff who will help you manage your financial planning. Details are at www.akpk.org.my.
Do consider taking your brother along so he can work out his contribution. However, as your parents are terrible planners and emotionally blackmailing you, do not take them along.
Work out a plan and present it when you're ready. Again, be firm about your contribution. Ideally, you and your brother should be a united front.
While it's not your responsibility, if mum and dad do change their tune, suggest they see the AKPK too and figure out their next move.
As they're experienced caretakers, they might look after another elderly person or couple. There is plenty of work in that area. However, if they choose that route, they must save up!
This is going to be upsetting and although you've done nothing wrong, I am concerned that your mental health will suffer.
Please surround yourself with friends and family who are sensible and who support you. If necessary, engage a mental health professional so you can vent and get perspective in a safe space.
I hope this was helpful. Good luck and know I'll be thinking of you.
