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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I’m 18 and just finished my SPM. All my friends are getting a part-time job while I’m still at home.
I really want to get a part-time job because I want to save up some money for my university. The problem is my dad, he is overprotective and overbearing.
I told him I want to get a part-time job but he won’t listen to me and told me to take care of my grandparents.
If I were to keep insisting I want to get a part-time job, he'd tell me I’m ungrateful to my grandparents because he wanted me to look after them, making me feel like I’m a housewife.He also told me that going university is a waste of time and told me to give up and suggest that I learn how to cook and earn money through cooking. Every time I tell him my ideas for my future, he keeps avoiding it and says negative things about my idea and never supports me.I felt depressed and hopeless, like I’m a bird in a cage looking at others enjoying their freedom.I do obey and listen to him all the time but he just doesn’t respect my ideas nor supports me.
Sometimes he would say why don’t I have a conversation with him, and seems concerned for me. Yet, when I share feelings, he says I’m young, and never cares about me or my feelings, and tells me to follow in his footsteps.
What's even worse is if I start disrespecting him or telling him what I really want, he would cane me and say, “You do what I say, not I follow you.”
And if I talk to my grandparents about my feelings and ideas, they will tell me to listen to my dad; they are not helping me.
I come from a single-parent family and my relatives are not close to me, and mostly my grandparents are with me and my dad is always working.
I don’t know what to do. Please help me, Thelma.
Depressed and hopeless
I'm sorry you are in this situation. So, to sum up your letter in a sentence, your family members tell you to give up university and career because they want you to provide a maid and caretaker service.
There are people who think that children are owned and must live their lives in service to their relatives. It's a form of slavery. However, it's not uncommon. Do your family members think this way?
An alternative is that your father works all the time, and doesn't like to think that his child is growing up. For some adults, that is a tough change. Instead of working with it, they try and ignore it.
If that is so, this is a temporary matter. He will come round and talk, but it's a matter of timing.
In addition, there are your grandparents. Are you working for them because it's convenient for them? Or are they old and ill and incapable of looking after themselves? Their age, state of health and what is actually needed makes a huge difference to the decisions you and your family make.
While you were not born to be a maid, family matters. If they are old and sick, then perhaps you might want to exchange a few months or even a year of care and get them settled in with alternative help before you get on with your studies?
Also, what do you want to study? I'm asking because it sounds as though money is tight in the family. If so, they may value practical skills over academia. So, they may reject your wish to study Fine Arts and consider it a waste of time but be on board with your becoming a plumber or nurse.
As you can see, there are many questions to be answered before your options become clear. Therefore, I recommend you call one of the numbers above and schedule two or three sessions with a free counsellor, so you can talk it out properly.
Please note that no matter what, you have choices.
You can give up on your university dreams and become a family caregiver. You will end up with no certification but you will have practical skills. Also, your family will pay you an allowance that you can save up. (Note: Visit masoc.care to see what caregiving courses are available to young people like yourself.)
After your grandparents die, you might work as a maid or caretaker for a family or institution. There is money to be earned that way, you would never be out of work, but it's emotionally and physically draining. You might use your savings to get some training and certification in the future.
A second thought is that your father wants you to earn money as a cook. Is he willing to help you get a bachelor's degree in culinary arts?
If so, that can land you on a career path as a chef, sous chef or kitchen manager. You might also work in food factory management and the hotel business.
Finally, you may secure a study loan. Like others, you could study at school and do a few hours of helping out at home. Your family may accept this, but they may also cast you out.
If they do not accept this, you will need money to cover study, food, rent and utilities. This is not easy. You'd likely to have work as you studied. Not many courses in Malaysian schools allow for this.
So, you might need to get a job first, save up and study in a few years. Or take a series of short courses.
Whatever is going on, please do not despair. You have options, it's just a matter of figuring out your best choices. So go call those numbers and figure out what works best for you.
Please know I'll be thinking of you.
