The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I married in my teens and had three children.
My husband was immature and spoilt, and we relied heavily on his family. He did not treat me well – he had affairs and wasn’t a good breadwinner but that was mitigated by his parents stepping in and providing for us. My father-in-law chauffeured the children to school and my mother-in-law doted on us.
Eventually, my husband left home and virtually abandoned us. We were however never destitute because his family took good care of us.
During the MCO, my husband returned home, mostly I think because he had no choice. By this time, both his parents had passed away.
I am doing well in my job and the children are now in their 20s.
For so many years, I had not needed to contemplate divorcing him because he was absent from our lives.
My husband is so spoilt he probably does not feel guilt over how he has behaved.
Over the years, I guess I must have matured too (or grown numb) as I don’t feel resentful or bitter towards him. I can’t say I love him but I don’t hate him either. I am also a different person from the young wife of those early years, and he does make the attempt to be a more attentive spouse and parent.
He is older now, and chances are he wouldn’t leave the family again. So do we just go on?
In a dilemma
I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. Let's figure out what needs to be considered and you can take it from there.
Your husband cheated and then disappeared. He's clearly nothing like his parents, who took up his duties and supported you.
Now he's back but there is no sign of guilt, shame or even consideration for leaving you, his three children, or for dumping his responsibilities on his parents.
I'm afraid your husband has no moral grounding.
My view is that he may be with you now, but this man will be off the second he sniffs out another affair. He has a proven record of dishonesty. He is a serial philanderer. It's simply a matter of time.
Your feelings for him burned out long ago, which is not surprising. However, living with a dishonest person carries different kinds of risks.
What if he picks up a second family? What if he falls in with a rapacious mistress who persuades him into a wild investment that crashes? Would you be forced to share the house, or be liable for his debts? And should he sell the house for any reason, where would that leave you?
Another pressing issue is that he is unlikely to act like a loving partner as you both age. From his past behaviour, he's going to be off the second you need him, just as he vanished when he should have been a father to his kids and a husband to you.
However, should he fall ill or suffer from ailments associated with age, he will probably have no compunction about turning you into his maid and nurse. How do you feel about that?
I would be off and screaming for a divorce instantly, but you might feel differently.
There's no rush for now, seeing you are not actively upset, so I think the first step should be to figure out your legal obligations and liabilities. Also, you need an overview of your current finances and your future finances, especially retirement.
I think your first question should be to ask what they are. If you have a lawyer, see them.
If you are short on cash, then start with the NGOs, All Women's Action Malaysia (AWAM) and Women's Aid Organisation (WAO). They can advise you on how other women deal with this situation.
Another option is to talk to AKPK (akpk.org.my). They are Bank Negara finance experts who can advise you on your financial liability and plan for a safe future. Even if you see an NGO, it's worth going here too.
Once you know your position, consult your heart. Do you want to go or stay? Are there middle roads like legal separations that suit you?
Maybe you want to stay a year and then move to a little flat of your own. If your company has various branches, perhaps you want to move departments, just for the experience and the change of scene. One of your kids may want to buy a house with you.
Also, if my maths is right, you are in your 40s. My dear, your kids are grown and you have so much life ahead of you! You could travel, go wild with your career, explore new relationships – or all three.
Thankfully, you have lots of lovely options.
Normally when a marriage fails, open honest communication is key. Your husband hasn't shown any consideration, so for this I suggest you only consider your own needs.
As it's a big decision, it's worth talking over. Your kids may want to be in on this; however, involving kids in a marriage is seldom wise. Talk to a trusted friend of your own generation or find a counsellor.
Whatever you decide, do be careful. The last time this man abandoned you, there was backup. The next time, you may not be so lucky. So be sensible and don't be shy about making sure you create a safe and happy future for yourself.
Good luck and know I'm thinking of you.
