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Dear Thelma,
I'm confused and don't not know if I should continue my relationship with my boyfriend of two years.
He still cares for me but he told me he can't love me like before because I broke his heart.
The reason he said that is because I keep mentioning that he is still married even though he has separated from his wife for eight years.
To my understanding of the law, he is still married but not seeing his wife/ ex-wife anymore.
I'm doubtful about these two matters:
Am I wrong for mentioning that he is still married?
Am I supposed to continue this relationship when he tells me that he can't love me like before and can't do more for me but his actions show that he still cares for me?
We were living together for a year but he moved out after we kept arguing.
He still stays over but only three nights per week now.
He is a sigma introvert and needs his own space and time to recharge.
He won't talk much to me and gets frustrated when I talk too much.
Please help.
SS
Marriage is an agreement of the heart as well as a legal contract.
Before you marry, the heart demands that you talk to your partner and you agree on how to live. Decisions include whether you're monogamous, poly, and so on. You also talk kids and finances.
Cheating is never a moral option; it's about mutual consent.
The contract part is separate. When the hearts don't meet, people can divorce but there are also other options such as legal and informal separations.
Many people choose to stay married for good reasons.
When there are kids, divorce is expensive and it means spending a lot of time figuring out legal documents for custody, financial support and so on.
When two adults are reasonable, keeping the marriage paperwork intact can be useful. The couple stay together until the kids are grown up, and then they divorce.
Another common reason to keep the paperwork intact is to maintain joint property, pensions, and health care provisions. It is common in families where there are dependent old folks, or the divorce would unfairly penalise one person, or there are company assets involved.
So, when you met, he and his spouse had an arrangement that suited them. It had been working well for some years.
As the new person in his life, your choice comes down to this: You take the man and his arrangement, or you don't. It really is that simple.
From your letter, you wanted the man but didn't like his arrangement. Maybe you thought it was OK at first and then changed your mind. I can't tell.
While it's OK to say you don't like something and to talk it over, there is a limit. With dealbreakers, the two parties talk honestly, and when there is no change or compromise, the relationship ends.
Your approach – repeatedly mentioning that he is married – is you trying to force him to do something that you know he doesn't want to do. Because the constant mentioning is upsetting, it is a form of verbal abuse.
Your behaviour is destroying your relationship and I suspect it's hurting you too. I am worried that you can't see this, and I think one of the reasons may lie in your use of the expression, "sigma introvert".
This was a stereotype promoted online a few years ago that is commonly referred to as toxic masculinity pseudoscience.
Stereotypes can be appealing because putting people into boxes makes life look simple. However, if you reflect, you'll see that stereotyping is disrespectful and damaging.
People are complex! It's neither right nor kind to reduce men to a few crude descriptions.
Also, that particular idea was based on incorrect information about the psychology of wolves.
I'm reading between the lines but I think you may have unhelpful relationship and communication models. If so, you'd benefit from a rethink. Take a few sessions of individual therapy to figure out how you can make effective changes.
As for this relationship, you're quarrelling all the time, to the point where you can't live together. I suggest you both move on and find people you are a better match with.
I appreciate this will be hard to hear. However, I suspect you're feeling bad. So be strong, think this through and make some changes. You'll be much happier for it.
