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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/ email sam@befrienders.org.my/ befrienders centres in malaysia).
Dear Thelma,
I am in my mid-30s.
I was previously working in a very good firm for six years plus, and had a good and caring girlfriend.
One day, I had a huge argument with my girlfriend which led to her leaving me for good. Due to that, I was not able to concentrate on my job and then I lost the job.
I applied to many places for a new job but it was not easy to get a job; it didn't happen as quickly as I had hoped.
I have normal commitments like other people. I am paying off the instalments for my house and car but, since I am unemployed, I have not been able to pay on time and missed a few instalments.
I had not been able to save a sen while I working my previous job, and I was renting a place with my girlfriend.
I was so depressed about not getting a new job and getting calls telling me to pay my bills so I made a decision to take loans to help me pay off my debts. I had never taken any loans before in my life so this was the first time I took loans from an outsider. So I managed to make payments for my bills accordingly.
At the same time, I told my dad about my situation. He asked me to come home and stay till I get a job. In fact, my dad helped me to pay some of my instalments but I did not tell him about the loan as I was worried he might get angry; as I said earlier, this was my first time doing so and it's something my family would not have done at all.
Everything was going well, and I was attending job interviews. But I was so busy trying to get a job that I totally forgot about the loan which was due, and I did not have a sen to pay it off. I decided to request for a time extension for me to pay it back but somehow this was not agreed to, and the news went to my dad and my siblings which led to them hating me very much for doing such a thing.
I was stuck again and did not know what to do, but my dad gave me another chance and warned me not to do that again.
I appreciate my dad for giving me a last chance but my family is no longer the same towards me. My siblings don't talk to me or share anything with me, and my dad doesn't allow me to do anything as he is afraid I would lie and do the same thing again.
I just got a job with a good pay and will be starting soon. I really want to change my life and be as normal as before.
My family doesn't think I will change just because of this mistake I have made.
I agree, I have done something which nobody in my family has ever done before. They should understand I was going through a lot at that point of time until I couldn't think straight. I am just feeling hopeless about my life right now.
Hopeless Life
Thanks for writing in. Your letter is unclear on some points, so I will summarise.
You had a personal problem and it affected your work. When fired, you found out that it’s not easy to get a good job. On top of that, you were over-extended. So, when you lost your income, everything came tumbling down.
What you describe is a fairly common issue. In November 2022, The Star reported that 10,378 Malaysians had declared bankruptcy – and some 20% were young people aged under 34.
When we are young, we tend to think that life is fair. We think that if we work hard, everything will be OK. It is not. Life is quite random. And bad things happen to good people all the time.
It’s a frightening experience to realise that financial security is too often just a payday away. Many people have no financial cushion at all.
While your story was a sad one, you are writing because of the way you dealt with it. You write at great length about looking for work and about how upset you were but you are missing the point.
Your father offered help and paid some of your debts but you did not tell him about your true situation. You act as if it’s because nobody in your family ever took out a loan. I don’t think this is the true reason.
I am going to take a wild guess and suggest you used a loan shark. I’m saying this because a bank would not lend you money without security. Also, “the news” going to your family is not what a proper authority would do. Banks take you to court; loan sharks hassle your relatives.
However it went down, you knew you were in trouble and you let it run on until your troubles landed on your family.
Your family are not angry because you were over-extended; they are angry because you decided to lie.
My dear, you must learn to face difficult discussions. Yes, it sucks to lose a partner and to lose a job. But when things go wrong, adults tell the truth to their loved ones, ask for advice, and do what is necessary.
If you want to re-establish yourself, you need to do four things.
First, apologise to your family. Be straight with them about what you did, acknowledge how you hurt them and offer a genuine apology. Then do better (see point three).
Second, work out exactly what you have cost your dad. Arrange to pay it back. It need not be in one go, but a bit off the new pay cheque every month will be fine.
Third, be accountable. Trouble hits all of us. When it does, be open about what is happening. Look for honourable solutions.
Fourth, learn about money. Get yourself an education so you know how to budget, how to save, and don’t put yourself into a position where losing a job means also losing your life. It will take you a while to get there because you have a loan to pay back, but you can do it.
I appreciate you won’t like a lot of what I have said, but I think a bit of frank self-examination and open talk will reset your relationship with yourself and your family.
See this as a life lesson, learn from it, and move forward. Know I’ll be thinking of you.
