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Dear Thelma,
My girlfriend of five years has broken up with me. She says we aren't that compatible after all. She tells me this after all this time?
I find it hard to believe because, when we first started dating, we were so good together, we could and did talk about everything and anything under the sun. We laughed together a lot. We loved each other deeply.
Then a year ago she started working, while I am still looking for a job. We're both in our mid-20s.
She says our conversations tend to be shallow and boring. She also says that I am too laidback.
I admit, I am not much of a talker but I am a good listener.
Since the breakup, I have felt terrible and inadequate. I feel so hurt and angry.
What should I do now? I don't want to lose her forever. How can I regain her love?
Brokenhearted
I’m sorry for your breakup; it’s always hard when a relationship doesn’t work out. You want to take action and regain her love. This is understandable, but it may not be the best way forward.
You are in your mid-20s and have been dating five years. Relationships, at this time of life, often don’t last. This is due to life stages.
Life stages are the different parts of life that are characterised by a particular set of experiences. For example, there’s adolescence when we are in secondary school, living with family, and developing our first crushes. This is followed by young adulthood when we are at university or college, learning our trade and dating seriously.
As we progress through life stages, we change. Therefore, the girls you were a good match for when you were 15 would probably not be a good match now – because you have changed.
I’m afraid that getting a first job is another life stage. Your ex is working, which means learning to be comfortable with a very different environment, routine and lifestyle. First jobs are always a roller coaster!
Because of these changes, many couples who had a good relationship that worked in college/uni, break up when they start work.
You want to continue the relationship because it still works for you. However, the relationship doesn’t work for her anymore.
When this happens, you can ask if there’s anything you can change to make it work. That’s perfectly reasonable. But if the other partner is unhappy or refuses, then the mature approach is to accept that your ex has changed and respect her decision.
Of course, there are difficult emotions: Disappointment, grief and sadness. Frankly, that’s a good thing. Decent men are sad when a relationship ends.
So grieve for what you are losing but then celebrate that you can have a long, committed relationship. That takes a lot of emotional skill, and that stays with you.
As for the reasons your ex gave, they were rude, unkind and I think it is likely also untrue. If you were not an excellent partner, she would not have dated you for so long. Also, you had a lot of fun. It suggests you made her happy.
So why did she say such things? People are often bad at managing breakups gracefully. Instead of accepting that our needs change when we are young, many of us become tangled up with guilt, shame and anger. We say things we don’t mean. We blame when there isn’t any blame. So I would take your ex’s comments as an outburst of discomfort.
Even so, your hurt and anger at these unkind comments is very natural. Hopefully, she apologises. She should do! But if she does not, forget what she said, wish her well, and move forward.
Take some time to grieve and then date again. There are lots of wonderful women out there looking for a good man as a partner.
You have a lot of changes ahead of you, though, so don’t be surprised if you end up sometime in the near future telling a perfectly lovely woman that the relationship isn’t working for you. Just be sure to be kind when swamped with difficult emotions.
I hope my advice helps you, and wish you a smooth recovery from your breakup. Good luck!
