Nurturing potential is one of the most important roles we play in the lives of young people. — MIG REYES/Pexels
I was out for a walk recently when I came across a child being coached to play tennis, and she had all the determination of a future Wimbledon champion.
At first, the girl struggled to coordinate her movements and timing, but as the lesson progressed, she started to find her rhythm. Her focus was locked in, and with each swing, her confidence grew. In the process, the coach offered a lot of patient encouragement, keeping the drills consistent, and providing helpful feedback.
As I watched this young tennis player, I saw her parents standing off to the side, documenting every moment. It got me thinking about the role we play in nurturing the potential of the young people in our lives. Whether we’re parents, teachers, coaches, or mentors, we all have the power to shape the way children see themselves and their abilities.
It's a scenario many of us have encountered: A child comes home with a 95% on a test, only to be asked, “What happened to the other 5%?” While holding high standards is important, research suggests that an overemphasis on achievement can be counterproductive. Several psychological studies have linked excessive criticism and pressure to lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, and poorer academic performance in adolescents. Even when people do well, it typically stems from a strong desire to please (sparing harsh judgements) or to avoid unfavourable comparisons (“Why can’t you be as smart as your sister?”).
On the flip side, overpraising isn't the antidote to excessive criticism. Constant praise without substance can lead to a sense of entitlement and feelings of being uniquely special. Most helpful is a balanced approach that encourages growth and improvement from a place of intrinsic motivation rather than external pressure.
When we place too much emphasis on results, children become afraid to take risks or make mistakes. They start to doubt their abilities and lose confidence in the face of challenges. Over time, this can erode their love of learning and their willingness to pursue their passions. A very good book exploring these themes is The Anxious Generation (2024) by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt.
So what does a healthy approach to motivation look like in practice? First, it means reframing how we think about success and failure. When we praise effort and persistence over outcomes, we foster a growth mindset. We teach children that challenges are opportunities to learn, and that their abilities can be developed through hard work. It's not about being perfect; it's about being allowed to try, fail, and try again.
Second, we need to normalise setbacks and disappointments. When children fall short of their goals, our instinct may be to express disapproval or jump in with solutions. But what they often need most is a listening ear and an acknowledgment of their feelings. By allowing them to process their emotions and reflect on what they can learn from the experience, they build resilience and learn that failure is not the end of the road, but rather a stepping stone along the road of improvement.
Lastly, we can empower children by guiding them to find their own solutions rather than always providing answers. Asking questions that promote critical thinking and problem-solving fosters independence and self-efficacy, equipping them with tools they can carry throughout their lives.
This approach to motivation requires patience and a willingness to let go of control. It means biting our tongues when we want to criticise or jump in and fix things. But the rewards – watching a child develop into a resilient, self-assured individual who embraces challenges and pursues his/her dreams with passion – are immeasurable.
Nurturing potential is one of the most important roles we play in the lives of young people. The skills the young tennis player was learning on the court pale in comparison with the life lessons she was absorbing: that effort matters more than perfection, that setbacks are ingredients for growth, and that she has the power to overcome challenges with perseverance and a resilient mindset.
As adults, we have the unique opportunity to shape the next generation. By fostering a balanced approach to motivation, one that celebrates effort over perfection and embraces challenges as opportunities for growth, we can help young people develop the skills and mindset they need to thrive in a demanding world. It's not always easy, but it's an effort worth making.
The seeds we plant today will bear fruit for years to come, and the impact we have on a child's life can last a lifetime.The next time any children in your life share a success or setback, pause and consider: How can you celebrate their efforts while supporting their growth? It's a question we should all be asking ourselves. In the end, helping a young person cultivate a love of learning, a resilient spirit, and a strong sense of self is one of the most valuable gifts we can give. It's a legacy that endures long after the trophies have gathered dust.
Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
