There’s something quite profound in the act of seeing each other – really seeing each other – and saying, “I accept you, just as you are”. It’s what good friends and supportive family members do as a matter of course.
It's at around the close of the year that I try to slow down a little bit and engage with the things that bring me pleasure for their own sake. One of my favourite ways of doing that is to spend time enjoying books that I didn’t get around to earlier in the year, and I recently picked up Oscar Wilde’s The Soul of Man and Prison Writings.
There’s one particular passage discussing selfishness that provides a thought-provoking reflection. Part of the passage reads:
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. And unselfishness is letting other people’s lives alone, not interfering with them.... A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose. It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be both red and roses.”
In a world that often feels polarised, these words feel more timely than ever. They remind us that true love isn’t about moulding others to fit our expectations; it’s about allowing space for others to be as they are in the true spirit of inclusion.
There’s something quite profound in the act of seeing each other – really seeing each other – and saying, “I accept you, just as you are”. It’s what good friends and supportive family members do as a matter of course.
Thinking about my own friends and close family members, I feel a huge sense of gratitude toward them for accepting me as I am and, at the same time, encouraging me whenever I try something new or think about changing course in some important way.
In fact, of those I consider to be part of my “inner circle”, I can’t recall any of them saying something like, “That doesn’t sound like you – why would you want to do that?” or “That’s no good, what you should do is...”.
Of course, if I were thinking of doing something reckless, they’d all soon make their opinions clear (as anyone who cares for us would). Otherwise, they accept that no two people are the same and, rather than try to control others around them, they accept and embrace different ways of being.
It’s one of the best gifts we can give to someone – and it costs nothing. We often hear buzzwords such as “inclusion” and “belonging”, and yet our actions can lead to the opposite of these qualities. To include someone, to make them feel like they belong, is to welcome them as they are so that they know they have a seat at the table without having to mould themselves into someone they’re not.
In the Christian tradition, there’s the well-known saying, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
In the Bahá’í faith, while there’s no belief in a malevolent being such as the devil, the concept is used as a metaphor to describe our less refined qualities. One such definition is, “the insistent self”, describing rigidity in our thinking, and expectations that people and things should be a certain way according to how we feel they should be. What a gift it is to have people in our lives who allow us the space and flexibility to be ourselves – and hopefully we’re able to offer that gift in turn to the people we know.
This, perhaps, is the true spirit of generosity – not just during the Christmas season, but in all our interactions, all year round. It’s a way of being that enriches not only our relationships, but our own sense of self.
This might manifest as really listening to a family member’s wishes or struggles without offering unsolicited advice, or intentionally letting go of how we expect someone to be. In the end, the most complete expression of the Christmas spirit might be: To live and let live, to listen to others as they are, not as we see them; and to allow each other the freedom and space to be ourselves.
Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.
