Many of her friends are also breaking away from the cultural norm of getting married and enjoying their independence while focusing on their career, says Choo. — 123rf.com
“WHEN are you getting married?”
That is perhaps one of the most dreaded questions for young single adults, especially when the festive season rolls around and family gatherings are par for the course.
But 31-year-old Choo I-May says she is lucky enough that her family has accepted she does not plan to marry.
She admits it is easier for her as within her family she has relatives older than her who are still unmarried as well.
“I can see them doing just fine with their lives so I don’t see why I cannot do the same.
“I am comfortable with the fact that I won’t be getting married and my parents also acknowledge that I have no plans to do so,” Choo says.
Marriage has never been part of her life plan, she adds, as she enjoys her independence and wants to focus on her career to gain more financial freedom.
She is far from being the only one who thinks this way among her peers, she says, as many of her friends are also breaking away from the cultural norm of getting married and having children early in life.
She does not see any problem with this as long as the women can provide for themselves.
“If they are able, they are no different from others as they are also able to care for their family and also at the same time contribute to the economy,” she says.
Not everyone has been as lucky as Choo to have family members so easily accept her decision not to marry.
For Aisya Yusof, 35, the question of matrimony haunted her especially in her late 20s.
“I kept hearing the same question, ‘When are you getting married?’ from family and relatives at least once a week at the time.
“It affected my mental health and the same happened to many of my friends,” she says.
The pressure to get married was so strong for her and her peers in their late 20s that she says a lot of her friends got married just to fulfil social conventions. Aisya says many of her friends who got married at the time ended up in abusive or neglectful marriages or even divorced.
Back then, she recalls, she also did not deal with the pressure to get married healthily.
She remembers at the time thinking there was something wrong with her or caring far too much about what others, especially men, thought about her.
“I spent time thinking about what others say and letting myself cry and feeling depressed instead of having a healthy hobby. It wasn’t a proud time for me.”
But now, while she is open to the idea of marriage, Aisya says she is content to spend time working on herself first.
“I am in my mid-30s now and I can safely say I am glad I did not rush into marriage just because society said it is the right thing to do.
“Now I am choosing me. I choose to work on my personal growth and I’m looking forward to discovering new things in my journey to maturity.
“As a Muslim, I believe that if something is written for me, it will happen so I don’t pressure myself into actively searching for a husband.
“I believe that marriage and death are God’s business, not society’s.”
Her decision not to get married for now also stems from the life experiences of others around her, she adds.
After seeing so many of her friends who got married earlier in life struggling post-divorce, especially with children, Aisya says she wants to wait until she is in a relationship in which she and her partner can love each other unconditionally.
“I believe marriage is a long-term partnership, which means no two persons should enter it half-heartedly. It is a serious business.
“If I cannot find a mentally and emotionally stable person, perhaps staying single would be better.
“Besides, my religion says that marriage is not compulsory for everyone, only for some.”
At the end of the day, Aisya believes that everyone has their path to walk in life, and regardless of whether that includes marriage or not, it is still a life worth living.
“It is up to us to make that life fantastic or otherwise.”
Like Aisya, 30-year-old Tulsi Narayanan is waiting to meet someone suitable before she considers marriage.
Unlike Aisya, though, Tulsi admits she does not face much pressure from her family – rather, she feels pressured when she sees her friends stepping into that stage of life because she wants that for herself.
“It’s something I hope for, but the older I get the more I feel it’s a really difficult thing to plan for and it’s really just a game of chance at the end of the day,” she says.
As most of the pressure to marry comes from her own desire to do so, she says she tries to deal with it by examining why she is feeling this way.
“For example, is it because I need more support in a certain area of my life or is it loneliness during the festive season and so on?
“Then I just ask people around me, and more often than not, someone will step up and help or if I end up having to do it alone anyway, over time it’s become a very strong reminder of my own abilities and independence.”
