According to the page admin, Kisah Rumah Tangga receive up to 10 submissions a day from users seeking advice or feedback about their marital woes. — Image by freepik
In the digital era, when people face doubt or emotional turmoil over personal relationships, it’s not unusual for them to turn to social media to seek advice or opinion for these problems.
One popular Facebook page, Kisah Rumah Tangga (KRT), allows users to anonymously share stories about their marital woes.
The page admin publishes these stories as posts, inviting followers to comment and provide feedback. Since its establishment in 2018, KRT has gained over 1.5 million followers.
“Per day, we get a lot of submissions. I would say more than 10,” says a KRT admin who wants to remain anonymous.
For example, in a post published on Aug 22, a user shared that his wife was hurt by his mother’s harsh comments. As a result, his wife no longer wants to visit his mother’s house. Feeling buntu (helpless), he turned to KRT for a solution.
The post received more than 390 comments from followers, with most people advising him to visit his mother on his own and consider talking to her about her behaviour.
“Initially, the page started out as a place for us to share quotes or advice about married life. Then someone sent a private message about a problem and asked for public opinion. It was posted, and since then more people started sharing their own problems,” says the KRT admin, who prefers to be anonymous.
Meanwhile, content creator Ho Ming Han started Red Flags in 2023 on TikTok, where he would read and react to relationship stories submitted by viewers.
Even when Ho reacts strongly and raises a red flag over potential relationship issues, he emphasises that each video was crafted with considerable thought. — Blankslate
“Due to the nature of my career, I’ve had a lot of people write to me or my wife on Instagram asking how we would handle the situations that they were facing,” says Ho, who has been a content creator for over 10 years, beginning with YouTube.
In an interview in Kota Damansara, Selangor, Ho says he finds that most people face similar problems but still struggle to find someone to talk to.
“I was certain that if I opened a channel for people to submit their problems, most of them would be related to relationships. Ironically, these people are alone together despite having the same problems.
“So, through Red Flags, I wanted to show that you are not alone. I want to build this culture where people feel that they can always find someone to talk to – not just me, but a friend, family member or professional as well,” he says.
On TikTok, Red Flags has over 230,000 followers and four million likes. One of the most popular uploads, a video in which Ho reads a submission from a user frustrated by her boyfriend’s suggestion that she learn how to do her makeup from his ex-girlfriend, has one million views.
Inviting public input
The KRT admin says that followers are allowed to comment freely on the page.
“Even though there are negative comments, not all are negative. There are positive comments coming from professionals, as some of our followers are from the legal profession and are counselling experts,” he claims.
Despite having a psychology degree, Ho has a disclaimer to say he is not a counselling or mental health expert. On Red Flags, he talks to those who shared their problems as friends.
“I see my role as a friend or peer because they can give their personal opinion. Mental health professionals can’t do that because their goal is to help guide you to a realisation. But I have to say, I’ll just tell you why you may be foolish,” he says.
Even when Ho reacts angrily and waves a red flag to indicate potential relationship issues while reading a viewer’s marital problems, he says that a lot of thought went into making each video.
Some videos have also been taken down by the platform, says Ho, as they were deemed to have gone against community guidelines.
Ho hopes that those seeking help or advice for relationship issues online will view it as a step toward eventually seeking professional mental health services. — Unsplash
“We need to be very mindful and sensitive. I have a team that sifts through the submissions, and based on the first paragraph, they would know if the story is fit for the platform,” Ho claims, adding that content could get flagged for elements of sexual or physical abuse or violence.
For Ho, his psychology degree has come in useful in identifying submissions that may require professional intervention.
“We’ve taken the step to ask some of them: ‘Have you told the police before you told me?’. Some people are still living through the problem, so we would encourage them to speak to the authorities.
“We’re concerned that if we read out their problems, it may cause trouble for them in real life. We’ll also suggest some reliable helplines that they can contact,” he adds.
Based on viewing trends, Ho says he’s aware that most viewers prefer stories that are on the extreme side, but he is also cautious about running such stories.
“My personal philosophy is not to always raise the stakes because then you’d start chasing the (wrong) things. We start with wanting to help people, and that will always be our goal.
“My intention is to never expect crazier stories. We hope that it will discourage people from feeling like they need to share crazier stories. I don’t want to establish that habit,” he says.
According to the KRT admin, submissions with excessive violence, obscenity or elements such as body-shaming and racially charged content that could disrupt harmony won’t be posted.
“When there’s elements of violence, like a child being harmed by a stepfather, I would encourage them to make a report. Sometimes, we’ll receive submissions asking for financial help, and we will try to provide,” the admin claims.
Discerning the difference
Counsellor and mental health coach Faith Foo acknowledges that people turn to social media for advice or feedback on relationship problems due to its accessibility.
“It’s easier, and I believe there are many people who are eager to talk to you about the problems they are facing,” she says.
Foo points out that people should be aware that some advice or feedback might simply reflect the advisor's own insecurities. — FAITH FOO
Foo emphasises the importance of understanding that the advice or feedback received online is not from professionals but from fellow users.
“On the Internet, you can see people telling someone facing issues in their marriage to leave their partner or get told off for being a loser. However, it may not be so easy for someone to leave their relationship due to various factors,” she says.
Foo points out that working through personal issues can take time. For instance, she shares that a client facing a difficult relationship has been in counselling for two years.
“The client has expressed emotional pain due to the situation, and it came down to them realising that they don’t have the capability to leave the relationship,” Foo says.
Foo added that people should be mindful of how some advice or feedback could be a way for others to project their own insecurities onto them.
“It can be dangerous when users dish out advice or feedback based on their personal experience, using terms that psychologists use for real mental health issues liberally. This could make people worry and have the wrong impression about their own mental health condition,” she says.
She adds that seeking professional counselling is crucial because people can’t be expected to move on from their personal issues with just a quick remark or piece of advice.
“As counsellors, we can’t tell them what to do. Our role is to help them build strength, make them feel resourceful so they are able to leave their bad situations,” she says.
Counsellor and The Star’s Dear Thelma columnist Thelma says that users may get the impression that they are consulting an authority when typing into a phone.
“That’s not true. Asking for advice from the general public online is like asking a question in the wet market. You may get some excellent advice, but it will be mixed in with outdated, incomplete, inappropriate, and sometimes even dangerous responses,” Thelma says.
Thelma says that users may get the impression that they are consulting an authority when typing into a phone, but that is not true. — Image by Lifestylememory on Freepik
Thelma, whose column was established in 1986, is also concerned that opening up online can attract abuse: “Sadly, there are people who laugh and sneer at victims of violent crime, abuse, harassment, cheating and other hurts.”
Creating safe spaces
As online platforms provide quick responses and instant attention, Thelma says it can feel like a good fit.
“I’d say, if you like sifting through lots of information and trying to figure out what’s useful and what’s not, then go for it. However, a general online forum is often an ineffective way forward,” she adds.
Foo advocates for moderating comments that could be harmful to the person who shared their problems.
“I’m afraid that if a platform allows anyone to respond negatively to someone’s problems or issues, then it could become a form of cyberbullying or harassment. Then the person who submitted their problems could go back to blaming themselves again, wondering why they sought help from users on the platform in the first place,” she says.
Thelma has a similar opinion: “Moderators should delete these comments and block the people responsible. There is no place for hate.”
Foo also feels people should be able to delete their online complaints when they’re no longer comfortable.
When someone sends their story to KRT, they will receive an automated message saying that a fee of up to RM300 may be charged if they request to withdraw their submission immediately after it’s published. However, if the withdrawal request is made seven or more days after the post goes live, there will be no charge.
As for Ho, he requires users to sign a consent form before he turns a story into a video.
“You are consenting for us to tell your story in a video, and you cannot ask us to take it down,” he says, as creating a video can take hours of setup and editing.
When people turn to online platforms, Thelma hopes that they will seek advice from people with proper insight. As for those offering advice on social media, she says that effective support comes from listening with empathy.
“Also, if you’re online, don’t forget you’re talking to a person. Be kind. Be polite. If you would not say it in public in front of your family and work colleagues, don’t post it online,” she adds.
Meanwhile, Ho says he doesn’t take his role lightly, hoping that other content creators who decide to position themselves as “gurus” in relationships understand their responsibilities as well.
“It will be a heavy burden to bear if you advise someone and somehow screw it up,” he adds.
Above all, Ho hopes that those seeking help or advice for relationship issues online will view it as a step toward eventually seeking professional mental health services.
“I feel that the show will help you find the need to unload and want to understand your own issues. That is a big part of the healing process because when you visit a counsellor, the first thing to do in therapy is to unpack and find the courage to revisit some unpleasant memories,” he says.
